OBR – Of Hamster Metaphors and Men

Posted in On Brighton Rock with tags , on February 1, 2010 by Zombie Jesus X

I do not have many problems with the targets of much criticism in Growth Isn’t Possible (GIP)—I do disagree with the appropriate solutions.  I read only the introduction and conclusions in order to derive a general sense of the report and its purpose.  The remainder appears to consist of data and statistics to support its conclusions on the limits of resources within the planet Earth.  Since I didn’t read it let alone analyze it, I will generally try to refrain disputing the data itself.

The thrust of the report is that the fact the Earth consists of finite resources (hardly a controversial topic) posits itself in diametric opposition to the standard economic hypothesis that an economy must grow.  Growth, in this sense, appears to be defined as the common Gross Domestic Product formula, which seeks to calculate the sum of economic activity within a given set of arbitrary boundaries (namely the borders of a nation or state).  The world economy might be defined in a similar manner, although the category of exports and imports would, at this time at least, have to be eliminated.  Coming from the Austrian School of Economics (ASE) that differs highly from most mainstream economic schools, whether they be Neoclassical, various strands of Keynesianism or Chicagoan, I don’t view the GDP statistic as the end-all standard of the performance of an economy.  Indeed, the GDP category of government spending should be dubious because the government does not operate within an economic system of private property and profit/loss.  Thus, it is unclear whether government expenditures create how much or any value since there is no metric of profit/loss—more directly, it is unclear whether persons operating in the economy view the services as beneficial since they have no recourse to trade for them or choose not to, i.e., profit and loss.  Secondarily even the private measures of consumption and investment are suspect due to government interventions into the economy or by a bubble mentality.  The GDP of the United States during 2005-2007 period were generally non-descriptive given the enormous misallocation of resources as a result of the housing boom, via both actions of the Federal Reserve as well as the quasi-private relics of the New Deal in Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac (which have since been nationalized), in addition to the reckless practices of banks and other financial institutions riding the bubble, all the way down to homebuilders and home supply stores.  In considering this, it is possible that under an Austrian perspective that GDP loses a significant portion of its meaning.  It may provide some sort of an indication of the health of an economy, but the distortions in the data may be too extreme to lend a complete picture.

Under these conditions then, one would probably agree with the report’s statement, “it was repeatedly observed that growth in aggregate national income couldn’t tell you anything about the nature of the economy, whether activity was good or bad.”   Undoubtedly true, although the definitions of “good” and “bad” differ wildly.  The report then mentions “spending on prisons, pollution and disasters pushed up GDP just as surely as spending on schools, hospitals and parks.”  This is essentially the same point made in the previous paragraph, if one could consider the housing bubble, like the tech bubble before it, a “disaster”.   What ASE points to, beyond the considerations of government distortions, is that the best regime for allocating scarce resources[1] is based on clear definition of property rights, free trade between parties and a dispute resolution process for aggressive, fraudulent or breach of contract actions.  In essence, a private property system attempts to allocate resources based upon subjective preference[2] according to an individual’s needs and wants.  If one person is proficient at producing shoes, they may trade them to a baker for bread and so on.  Taxes are low and uniform; the state does not have a significant standing army, perhaps, on a local level a moderate police force although much of security work may be done privately.

Such a regime has not existed and isn’t likely to exist in the near future.  The United States has ebbed and flowed violently towards and away from this state of affairs.  In its early years, chattel slavery, the grossest state subsidy man has yet invented, and oppression of the native tribes were affronts to a private property regime.  As slavery ended, the country began to move into a progressive era when nascent scientific beliefs combined with the interests of big businesses to immunize themselves from competition to create barriers to trade and regulations (the most significant being the Federal Reserve Act, in essence a banking cartel), bringing about such horrors as the misguided eugenics crisis within the U.S. that resulted in 64,000 persons being forcibly sterilized.  After the myriad military incursions on behalf of privileged business interests throughout Latin America and the horrific quashing of the Filipino rebellion, the New Deal and World War II crystallized the supposed efficacy of state intervention and the United States destiny as a mercantilist/corporatist state was set.

Returning to the implications of the GIP report, as it was generated within Britain, they detail the problems within U.K. economy:

The problem with our economic system is now threefold. First, governments plan their expenditure assuming that the economy will keep growing. If it then didn’t grow, there would be shortfalls in government income with repercussions for public spending. The same is true for all of us; for example, when we plan for old age by putting our savings into pensions.

The obvious solution to the problem is to restrict government spending to minimums, but the obvious retort is that private firms likewise undertake expenditures on the expectation of growth.  This fact seems self-evident, as what entrepreneur would undertake a new business if he didn’t think it could thrive.  The difference is the government can spend as long as it can force its citizens to provide it with money (either via direct taxation or inflation) to do so while a business may either prosper or fail, with small businesses being notoriously risky propositions.  In the private sector under a regime of property rights, small-businesses starting and failing need not consume ever greater quantities of resources.  Some businesses might fail and cease consuming resources entirely, while others might take their place as they are better at allocating resources in accord with consumer preference.

Today, though, many economies like the UK are facing this problem in any case. Ironically, however, it comes as a direct consequence of the economic damage caused by the behaviour of weakly regulated banks, which were busy chasing maximum rates of growth through financial speculation.

This aside is tangential to the central discussion of the GIP report, but one can find a succinct discussion of the Austrian Theory of the Trade Cycle, which is decidedly different from almost all mainstream analyses.  However to delve into it slightly and address the accusation at hand, one need ask two questions: why do banks need regulation and why were they chasing the “maximum rates of growth”?  Greed, certainly, played a role as well as possibly ill-conceived manager incentives based on stock incentives (which can be very effective, depending naturally on how they’re structured).  Bank regulation arose though from the concern over the public’s considerable risk to bank failures.  Bank failures naturally arose not so much from “reckless lending” (a decidedly nebulous concept), but from the persistence of fractional reserve banking (FRB).  Although FRB may well be acceptable if properly defined as a financial security (similar, for instance, to a share in a mutual fund), FRB’s origins were decidedly unique in that it arose from goldsmiths and banks holding customer’s gold and then surreptitiously lending some of those holdings out[3]; legal regimes generally were accepting this practice among banks while prohibiting it in other commodity storage facilities.  Naturally, FRBs are prone to the infamous bank run, usually brought about by a downturn that calls into question the quality of the FRBs loans made on the base of deposits.  The bank run decreases the banks liquidity and causes a crisis when the FRB cannot return money to all depositors.  Solution: regulation that ensures banks keep a specified level of reserves to handle redemptions as well as control the riskiness of their loans so that they will have enough cash in the future to repay depositors (after paying depositors interest and generating a modest profit for themselves).  The FDIC only reinforces the supposed need for this regulation by providing a government guaranteed price floor for demand deposits (as well as time deposits and certificates of deposit), ensuring that banks will issue as many as possible to generate as many loans as possible to profit as much as possible.  What is not considered is forcing FRBs to become companies selling financial securities (instead of the legally privileged security of a demand deposit).

Secondly, neo-liberal economies typically put legal obligations on publicly listed companies to grow. They make the maximisation of returns to shareholders the highest priority for management. As major investors are generally footloose, they are free to take their money wherever the highest rates of return and growth are found.

It is always confusing when the “neo-liberal” moniker is used, as it refers to a long past time when liberals were considered those who supported an Adam Smithian economy of free trade in response to the conservative regime of militarily supported mercantile export policies, domestic guilds (basically the equivalent of state enforced labor unions) and licenses to trade granted to favored merchants.  The labels have become confused in modern times to almost mean what the other had previously meant.  The nomenclature is particularly treacherous for those of the so-called Austro-Libertarian focus who simultaneously support such diverse policies as gay marriage, drug legalization, freedom of speech, anti-police paramilitarism, anti-unionism, anti-minimum wage, free trade, and notably anti-militarism to the extent that one of its leaders, Murray Rothbard, broke with The National Review and allied with the New Left.

In order to avoid too precipitous of a digression, the “legal obligations” that are referred to here are, I assume, a fiscal duty to shareholders or potentially the possibility of a buy-out of shares if the company underperforms growth expectations.  Excluding the implications of the CAPM for the time being, investors must not only focus on the return generated, but on the risk of that return.  In the private sector, growth may be strived for but is certainly not guaranteed.  The evident lesson of the recent downturn is that growth blindly pursued without recognition of risk can lead to disastrous consequences—particularly when the downside of those risks are deflected by institutions such as the Federal Reserve, the FDIC and various Treasury programs.

Thirdly, in the modern world, money is lent into existence by banks with interest rates attached. Because for every pound, dollar, yen or euro borrowed, more must be paid back, economies that function largely on interest-bearing money have a built-in growth dynamic.

This contention is true due to the FRB institution described earlier and the existence of central banks and could be resolved without resorting to the scheme described in the conclusion of the GIP report.  GIP later notes that “nearly all money is lent into existence bearing interest. For every pound lent, more must be repaid, demanding growth.”  As noted with the curious legal distinction of FRB, there is no reason why, in a free market, money would be in the form of demand deposits—indeed, inasmuch as these are financial securities, they are always denominated in something else and thus couldn’t be considered money in a definitional sense but rather facilitating mediums that promote transactions, somewhat similar to credit cards.  ASE and other sources indicate that it is the inflationary bias of FRB’s ability of create money out of thin air that leads to the desire of return.  One could no longer set aside money in the proverbial coffee can in the back yard without it losing value as inflation is inevitable, thus giving the impetus for some “growth” investment. Although commodity monies might certainly inflate through discovery of more of the commodity, it would probably not be to the same extent as FRB based money.  The GIP report proposes the dangerous solution:

Low- or no-cost credit can be created by Central Banks for the purpose of achieving particular tasks – such as building new infrastructures for energy, transport, farming and buildings – for the environmental transformation of the economy.

Although the issue of control of many of these policies is important, it is never determined to whom the credit would be given or how the relative success or failure of the particular tasks would be judged.  Indeed, this is not so much a credit as it is a wealth transfer or subsidy to certain projects (which is essentially what the Federal Reserve provides to banks within the cartel at the present date).

Money, then, is one of the most misunderstood and indeed difficult to understand components of an economy.  Money, as a common medium of exchange, allows actors in an economy to trade to a much larger extent than a barter economy.  However, the good, most likely a commodity, chosen as a medium of exchange is usually one that all actors desire to some degree—the curious aspect of a commodity that becomes a monetary unit is that is worth more as money than its initial use.  Indeed, economic actors tend to use it far more as a medium of exchange than as its original intended use.  Money in its traditional sense does not carry an sort of implicit (this was a curious invention of FRB demand deposits that are considered money or, if they were treated as financial securities that they are, facilitating mediums akin to credit cards instead of money or money substitutes).  Though the supply of money might grow (or decline) there is no implicit impetus towards growth.

The problem extends beyond the economy. Our increasingly consumerist society demands ever higher consumption to demonstrate social status – conspicuous consumption.

Intriguingly, this is where the GIP report, both here and elsewhere, takes a turn for dangerous territory of pseudoscience.  Just as the ASE’s subjectivism casts serious doubts on the efficacy or meaning of mainstream economists’ bizarre attempts to mathematically graph or model a consumer’s utility, ASE’s subjectivism would regard the claim of “an overly consumerist society” as normative rather than positive.

It is possible that consumerism could be referring to purely the overuse of resources, and the GIP report states something to that effect:

This mainstream view of sustainable development is quite different from definitions of so-called ‘strong sustainability’. The ‘mainstream’ view tends to emphasise decoupling economic growth from environmental degradation (including climate change). And, to drive that dynamic it relies heavily on market-based initiatives – the ‘ecological modernisation’ of the economy, defined by German sociologist Joseph Huber as a twin process of ‘ecologising the economy’ and ‘economising ecology’.

Ecological modernisation assumes that already existing political, economic and social institutions can adequately deal with environmental problems – focusing, almost exclusively on industrialism, with much less consideration (if any at all) being given to the accumulative process of capitalism, military power or the nation-sate system, even though all contribute in different ways to environmental degradation by being instrumental to growth and international competitiveness.

Policies of environmental or ecological modernisation include: the ‘polluter pays’ principle, eco-taxes, government purchasing initiatives, consumer education campaigns and instituting voluntary eco-labelling schemes.

Murray Rothbard describes in “Law, Property Rights and Air Pollution” that damage to another party’s property right should take precedence over public good considerations such as “economic growth”.  Whether the authors here intend the “modernisation” schemes to include this type of analysis is unclear.

Other authors have addressed the fundamental paradox of resource depletion under a private property rights regime.  John Bratland has dealt with many of these issues in a series of articles in the Quarterly Journal of Austrian Economics:

One of the conclusions of these reports is that private property regimes enforce conservation of resources because as a resource becomes scarcer, it becomes more expensive thereby causing individuals to conserve it or find ways to exploit it more efficiently.  Individuals will then not find themselves in a situation where all of the resource is suddenly gone, but that as the resource is depleted, they need to conserve it by reducing consumption and/or finding alternatives.  Moreover, certain proactive programs such as recycling may actually expend more resources than traditional waste disposal.  Waste generation and disposal may both suffer from the tragedy of commons, since waste disposal is generally thought of as a public good.  In a world were vast tracts of land are unowned or have inexact property rights (such as bodies of water), waste tends to get dumped there as it does not cause an immediate problem for the dumper or other individuals[4].  The solution thereby may be not so much regulation of pollution be bringing unowned lands into ownership and clearly defining rights among so-called fluid resources such as bodies of water.

In all of this discussion on growth, it seems that most of the focus is centered on having more instead of having better.  The paper does point out that there are limits to efficiency, but to put this issue into sharp relief, consider whether it would be better to have double or even three times the amount of goods and services as an American in 1900 versus half or even a third of an American in 2000.  One might contend that even on that basis the 1900 American consumed fewer resources than the 2000 American, but it is unclear what even that entails—for instance, the 1900 American consumed considerably less oil because the full benefits of the internal combustion engine had yet to be realized.  However, consider now if transportation needs had to be filled by a combination of horses and steam engine trains.  Many cities would be grappling with the problem of what to do with the enormous piles of horse manure while methane from equine flatulence might be contributing to anthropogenic global warming.  The basic conclusion is then is that benefits are not best calculated the accumulation of things but by satisfying needs and wants, which, beyond basic human needs, is a very subjective concept.

However, the GIP report intends to quantify the unquantifiable by creating an objective measure of human satisfaction:

In fact, a growing body of literature shows that once people have enough to meet their basic needs and are able to survive with reasonable comfort, higher levels of consumption do not tend to translate into higher levels of life satisfaction, or well-being.46 Instead, people tend to adapt relatively quickly to improvements in their material standard of living, and soon return to their prior level of life satisfaction. This is known as becoming trapped on the ‘hedonic treadmill’, whereby ever higher levels of consumption are sought in the belief that they will lead to a better life, whilst simultaneously changing expectations leave people in effect having to ‘run faster’, consuming more, merely to stand still.

In truth, this is not tremendously different from the mainstream economic tenet (shared with ASE) of marginal utility, whereby an additional unit of any good confers a decreasing amount of satisfaction upon the recipient.

National trends in subjective life satisfaction (an important predictor of other hard, quantitative indicators such as health) stay stubbornly flat once a fairly low level of GDP per capita is reached. And, importantly, only around 10 per cent of the variation in subjective happiness observed in western populations is attributable to differences in actual material circumstances, such as income and possessions.

These claims are rather stunning in their attempt to quantify a “variation in subjective happiness”.  How can a subjective state be quantified?  A subjective state would by necessity differ from person to person, thus making a uniform level of measurement impossible.  Or so it would seem—the reports where this data is derived is footnoted but the definitions of “subjective happiness” are buried within them.

Possibly the most unusual claim of the GIP report is:

Between 1990 and 2001, for every $100 worth of growth in the world’s income per person, just $0.60, down from $2.20 the previous decade, found its target and contributed to reducing poverty below the $1-a-day line.38 A single dollar of poverty reduction took $166 of additional global production and consumption, with all its associated environmental impacts. It created the paradox that ever smaller amounts of poverty reduction amongst the poorest people of the world required ever larger amounts of conspicuous consumption by the rich.

Basically, not only is gross income inequality a potential result of poverty reduction under a free market, but a necessary condition thereof—meaning resource depletion will occur ever faster.  An objection of this paradigm, even in ignorance of the data, would be why would the inequality be expected to continue.  The aforementioned public company bias for growth could shed some light on this situation, as various companies often have very different profitability ranks at one point in time, but they tend to revert back towards one another as competition erodes their advantages.  Furthermore, apart from an apparent correlation, the GIP report does not make it clear what the causal mechanism is that necessitates larger amounts of consumption of the rich for consequent poverty reduction.

The conclusions of the GIP report are unclear in just exactly they are suggesting as remedy for the current state of affairs.  Clearly they reject traditional GDP as an economic statistic while proposing a number of alternative measures, but they do not ever outline a plan for sustainable growth.  They oppose the three bad conditions (gov. expenditure based on growth, equities favoring growth, interest bearing money) but it’s not clear what would replace them.  The report seems to point towards a mixed economy (elements of central planning and free markets) with a weight towards command-and-control but it’s not clear who would exercise control or how it would function.

However they do suggest a number of things.  First is a series of aforementioned measures to replace GDP:

The Happy Planet 2.0 (2009), which provides a new compass to set society on the path to real progress by measuring what matters to people – living a long and happy life – and what matters to the planet – our rate of resource consumption.

The National Accounts of Well-Being (2009), proposes nations should directly measure people’s well-being in a regular and thorough way, and that policy is shaped to ensure high, equitable and sustainable well-being.

If resource allocations where to be judged via certain statistics, what are the mechanisms to ensure that such judgments are made apart from political considerations.  The statistics would have to be protected from special interests seeking to tweak them in their favor.  Even if such public choice issues are ignored, what are the mechanisms for change if a better statistic is generated and how would it be decided that a new index is actually better.  Perhaps these papers do address these issues—unfortunately I have not read them.  But the authors do not seem to explicate these considerations when constructing a new framework for property rights:

First, he [Herman Daly] said, you need to identify the limit of whichever aspect of our natural resources and biocapacity concerns you, then within that, allocate equitable entitlements and, in order to allow flexibility, make them tradable. Such an approach could be applied to the management of the world’s forests and oceans as much as CO2. Daly credits the innovative American architect and polymath Richard Buckminster Fuller for first suggesting the approach. At a fundamental level, this is the primary mechanism to avoid the tragedy of the commons.

Fundamentally, this is what property rights within the ASE framework attempt to accomplish, without the preconceived bias to a “limit of whichever aspect of our natural resources and biocapacity concerns you”.  Who decides these limits?  Who issues these entitlements?  There are a host of problems here that the authors don’t address explicitly even if they are contained elsewhere within a footnoted paper.

In addition, an indicator such as the Happy Planet Index which incorporates the Ecological Footprint helps to reveal the degree of efficiency with which precious natural resources are converted into the meaningful human outcomes of long and happy lives.

I do not doubt that the authors have put considerable effort in constructing this index.  But the issue is not so much the statistic but who and how the statistic is engendered in the previously mentioned entitlement scheme.  For all the GIP report’s criticism of banking, this plan appears to suggest the hallmark of a modern corporatist banking—the central bank, headed by a disinterested president.  One of my previous rants against the Fed suggested a position that economists viewed as the ultimate post—here a fully disinterested individual, surrounded by the best data fed into the best economic models courageously steered the national economy through booms and busts.  To me, the GIP report inevitably implies some sort of governmental commission that would be viewed as the height of science—dispassionate and supposedly objective but no less at a loss to properly wade through the oceans of variables and data to decide the measures and allocations for the planetary good.

There are some other portions of the conclusion which would lead to a plan of action or at least a better description of the destination:

When the financial crisis hit, in the UK alone over £1 trillion was found to support the banks, apparently from nowhere. It can be done. Through so-called ‘quantitative easing’ money really was conjured from thin air (the dirty little secret of banking is that this is practically what happens all the time when people borrow, for example, to buy a house).

This is absolutely correct but as has been intimated previously, there is no discussion of eliminating FRB and central banking.  If anything, the report later supports central banks.

Governments can also change priorities, spending less on unproductive military expenditure and more on schools, hospitals and support for those who need care. New techniques employing greater reciprocity with the users of public services can also radically reduce the upfront cash-cost of services by making them more effective (through so-called ‘co-production’).

The first sentiment is excellent, although it would be preferable that government provide none of these services (except national defense in a time of emergency—i.e. no standing army), leaving it to the free market.  I am unsure on what the second sentence implies.

There’s also no reason why fairer taxation and greater redistribution, coupled with better services cannot provide security for all in old age, removing the insecurity that makes us all worry about having a private pension with a high interest rate.

There is every reason to believe that greater taxation and redistribution will only increase costs while decreasing incentives to allocate resources responsibly.  Here again as a visceral reaction to interest rates, which seems somewhat strange.

Herman Daly makes the point that in a non-growing, steady state (or dynamic equilibrium) economy it might actually be easier to approach full employment. With lower levels of material throughput and lower levels of fossil fuel energy use, the proportion of human energy input (labour) is likely to increase. Generations of having people made redundant by machines largely powered by coal, oil and gas could be reversed. He writes: ‘There are several reasons for believing that full employment will be easier to attain in a SSE [steady state economy] than in our failing growth economies… the policy of limiting the matter-energy throughput would raise the price of energy and resources relative to the price of labour. This would lead to the substitution of labor for energy in production processes and consumption patterns, thus reversing the historical trend of replacing labour with machines and inanimate energy, whose relative prices have been declining.’

Perhaps I am misunderstanding the intent of the authors, but this sounds like a return to Luddites writ large.  The report appears to suggest that humans perform labor that machines now perform in order to conserve resources would also help the unemployment.  This seems extremely counterintuitive since the use of fossil fuels to power machines would appear to use fewer resources than the use of human labor, since human exertion to power machines is arguably significantly less efficient.  It would seem to be the case that relatively more resources would be spent feeding, sheltering and caring for human labor than would be spent maintaining and fueling machine labor.

Other adaptations could bring a range of social, environmental, and economic benefits. A redistribution of paid employment via a shorter working week, tackling the twin problems of overwork and unemployment, would free up time for people to do more things for themselves, each other and the community, and reduce their dependence on paid-for services.

This seems to be a top-down force to convince people to consume less and take more in leisure.  Basically this is a cartel of workers, all agreeing (or being forced by government fiat) to work fewer hours while possibly enjoying greater leisure time or activities.  Of course, the danger here is if someone (or someone in another jurisdiction) breaks the cartel.

There are many things I liked about the GIP report in its criticisms of the current economic order.  But there were more things I disagreed with in its prescriptions for change in that order.


[1] What economics is all about; if scarcity was eliminated, these points would become moot.  Although from the report’s discussion of the laws of thermodynamics to basic human experience of need, resources are certainly scarce.

[2] A clear distinction from Ayn Rand’s objectivism, which extended not only to economics but morals and even the arts

[3] This curious legal exception  was granted to banks, although other commodity storage units, such as grain elevators, were generally prosecuted when they attempted fractional reserve: “Grain elevators issued fake warehouse receipts in grain during the 1860s, lent them to speculators in the Chicago wheat market, and caused dislocations in wheat prices and bankruptcies in the wheat market. Only a tightening of bailment law, ensuring that any issue of fake warehouse receipts is treated as fraudulent and illegal, finally put an end to this clearly impermissible practice. Unfortunately, however, this legal development did not occur in the vitally important field of warehouses for money, or deposit banking.”  Jesus Huerta de Soto has an extremely long and detailed discussion of the legal and economic issues in FRB.

[4] This was a point brought up by Rothbard in the previously mentioned paper—that air pollution was not considered actionable because it was so diffuse.  Many early lawsuits resulted in tall smoke stacks that dispersed pollution high above the population so that individuals couldn’t clearly point to a source of any resulting malady or property damage.

Roundup – How to Report the News

Posted in Roundup with tags , , , , on January 30, 2010 by Zombie Jesus X

Line O’ the Day:

“It’s amazing how few people with existing jobs want to work under Lovie Smith in Chicago.

LOVIE: I want you to work with me.

PROSPECT: No thank you.

LOVIE: I challenge your refusal.” – Big Daddy Drew, Peter King Spies Himself a New Tebeau [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Best of the Best:

The Remains:

Roundup – Zordon is a Racist

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on January 28, 2010 by Zombie Jesus X

Line O’ the Day:

Who had the LARGEST seminal output? I bet the guy with the record put out a number that would fucking shock and disgust you. He must be a fucking animal. I bet it was President Taft.” – Big Daddy Drew, NEW CLASS TAIL!  Your Open Mailbag Tuesday [Deadspin]

Best of the Best:

The Remains:

Roundup – Return of the Question

Posted in Roundup with tags , , , on January 21, 2010 by Zombie Jesus X

Line O’ the Day:

I covered this in a Jamboroo ages ago, but it bears discussing again, because to me, it’s one of the great unsolved mysteries of life. I contend that, should God and heaven exist, they should be able to answer all your questions about that shit when you die, just like in the Heaven’s Database SNL sketch. Like, you die, and then you go up to heaven, and God knows PRECISELY which girls in your life would have had sex with you if you had simply gone for it. There have to be a couple surprises in there (Aunt Rita?). You should also be able to watch an instant replay of any of these women fantasizing about you, AND you should be able to see the vision they had in their heads of banging you like crazy. All of that needs to be included in the Heaven package (including DVR playback of all your actual sexual conquests), or else I’m not going. Not that I was, anyway.

“Because this is the kind of shit that will bug a man FOR LIFE. Did I really have a chance with that one girl, or was I wasting my time? Whoa hey, you mean THAT CHICK would have had sex with me? Get the fuck out! HOLY SHIT. If only I had known…

“Because women are so good at disguising their lust. Men are horrible at this. If we see a woman we want to have sex with, we stare at their tits and drool and stutter and all that. We wear our lust on our sleeves. But women will keep that unspoken desire hidden for fucking ever. You’ll never know that Lisa P was into you. And that’s the agony of being a man.” – Big Daddy Drew, Verizon Chick, Revealed!  Your Open Mailbag Tuesday [Deadspin]

Best of the Best:

The Remains:

Off Topic – The First Anniversary of Hope and Change

Posted in Off Topic with tags , , on January 20, 2010 by Zombie Jesus X

Occasionally there is an article I want to reproduce in its entirety rather than merely linking to it.  This is one such article (originally appeared on Campaign for Liberty).

The First Anniversary of Hope and Change
By Anthony Gregory
Published 01/20/10

“Democracy came into the Western World to the tune of sweet, soft music,” wrote H.L. Menken as the opening to his Notes on Democracy. With the ascent of Barack Obama, the music was triumphant and loud, captivating the entire center-left media establishment, the nation’s youth, the official counterculture, the legions of professional victimologists, the mainstream antiwar movement, the civil bureaucracy, the legal profession, the unions, most traditional Democrats and the young and old members of American academia. For the lion’s share of Obama’s loyal supporters, his ascent to the throne marked something nearly as significant as the entrance of democracy itself onto the Western scene. It signaled a turning point to one day be listed on a short list of American victories for the modern world — a watershed to appear on timelines featuring the Emancipation Proclamation, women’s suffrage and the Civil Rights movement. Meanwhile, although in Mencken’s account “there was, at the start, no harsh bawling from below” when democracy made its appearance, Obama was met early on by loud protest from much of the grassroots right, much of which had backed Bush until the twilight of his own reign of power and who agreed with Obama’s supporters that the man represented a great shift in American governance, only disagreeing on whether this dramatic transformation was one to be celebrated rather than feared.

A year has passed since the maligned and lame-duck Bush presidency gave way to the hope and change of the Obama administration. For the first couple months last year, criticism of Obama was regarded as premature. We had to give him the benefit of the doubt for the obligatory although arbitrary 100 days. When that period passed, Obama was shielded from criticism on the grounds that his predecessor had made such a disastrous mess of domestic and foreign policy that the new president would need yet more time before he could be fairly evaluated. That isolation from criticism did give way eventually, and few today have the temerity to insist that we delay our scrutiny until the president is reelected in 2012.

A fundamental element in a meaningful critique of Obama’s first year must take account of whether his policies have succeeded on his own terms. Has he represented the hope and change that he promised, that became the rallying cry of tens of millions and swept the internet in youtube videos showcasing artists and celebrities at once pleading and predicting that America would usher in the political reform of a lifetime?

We must remember why the Republicans were so roundly defeated in November 2008. McCain was seen as a continuation of the Bush legacy, about which many conservatives by that time had become visibly embarrassed. Throughout the seemingly interminable campaign season, all the way up until Autumn, John McCain ran on a platform of staying the course in foreign policy and being more reform-minded than Bush in the domestic arena, while somehow being at the same time more fiscally conservative so as to offer a meaningful alternative to the Democrats.

The alleged expertise and experience brought by Republicans to the realm of national security had suffered due to widespread public fatigue about Iraq, dozens of scandals concerning Republican executive power that made headlines for about four solid years, and a growing sense that Bush and by corollary McCain demonstrated a crass hubris concerning the projection of American power that was hurting the country’s image and not keeping us the least bit safer. Of course, Ron Paul’s presence on the GOP primary stage, through the presentation of a truly diametrically opposed alternative, revealed the limits of the Republicans’ monotone attachment to the foreign policy status quo.

Running on the supposed success of the Iraq “surge” was doing better than it should have. With McCain’s pick of Sarah Palin as his running mate, he seemed for a week to have a real chance at victory. The choice had secured the Republican grassroots and much of middle America, while cutting into the Democrats’ dominance among independent-minded women. But then amidst growing concerns about the financial and mortgage markets, McCain, who had admitted that he did not know much about economics and yet had the boldness to challenge Ron Paul to read Adam Smith, spoke the words that sealed his political fate: “The fundamentals of the economy are still strong.” By September the consensus turned decisively against this foolish remark.

In the wake of financial collapse, with both McCain and Obama stepping over themselves to rush to Washington and approve the Bush-Paulson bailouts, the premier political question was one that hit voters’ wallets hard, and Obama swept into the White House. A change in foreign policy and economic policy became more attractive to enough swing votes to give Obama an unambiguous electoral victory, even if nobody could show just what Obama knew about the recession that had just culminated into a huge crash and how he was supposed to fix it.

For those of us whose main political passion is liberty, we could at least be glad that the Fed-corporatist economic disaster and the imperial foreign disaster were identified as problems, albeit ones with numerous proposed solutions, ours not taken as seriously as Mr. Obama’s. Now, with a year behind us, let us consider what has truly changed, and how much of that change is in any sense a good thing.

First, we look at the first area of policy that helped bring Democrats to power in 2006 and 2008: War and national security.

Foreign Policy

Obama said America would finally, quickly and safely withdraw from Iraq, and even pay for domestic needs with the savings. But it became clear by his February speech at Camp Lejeune that his approach would be more or less what we would have expected from a third Bush term — following the approximate benchmarks of the Status of Forces Agreement that Bush himself had acceded to in late 2008. Meanwhile, Obama gave no mention of the Vatican-sized embassy, its force protection, military contractors, troops charged with training the Iraqi military or what “non-combat” troops was really supposed to mean. All of this means the U.S. could indeed remain there longer than Bush had promised, and could lead to another escalation in that theater of war. Over a hundred thousand U.S. troops remain in Iraq. One hundred forty five have died there since Obama took office.

In Afghanistan, the situation has been far worse than we could have probably expected under another year of Bush. This is all because, tragically, Obama has kept his promise: He announced in November the deployment of about 30,000 additional troops, bringing the total number up to about three times what it was when he took office. 2009 became the worst year for the Afghan people since 2001 — more depredations of children’s rights and the most civilian deaths since the invasion, including in air strikes that are ripe with scandal and can only contribute to the terrorist threat. As commander of U.S. forces in Afghanistan, Obama picked General Stanley McChrystal, who became the target of controversy in the Bush years for the draconian handling of detention centers, the blocking of Red Cross from these prison camps, and for his involvement in covering up the truth about Pat Tillman’s death. Needless to say, when McChrystal publicly contradicted the president’s assessment of what was needed for victory, he was not fired for insubordination. Obama and the Democrats always criticized Bush and the Republicans for “neglecting” Afghanistan. The Democrats’ due diligence has successfully made Afghanistan a far deadlier place than Iraq in the last year. About 300 have died there since Obama took office.

This is all, supposedly, to take down about 100 members of al-Qaeda who live in Afghanistan and to stop a somewhat larger number in Pakistan from destabilizing that country. To stop the enemy in Pakistan, Obama has dramatically escalated drone strikes, launching them more than 40 times, killing far more civilians than militants and displacing as many as two million Pakistanis from the Swat valley in one of the largest refugee crises since Rwanda. Obama assures us we need not actually invade and occupy Pakistan, since it is a U.S. ally, but this policy of “stability” supposedly justifies the entire U.S. project in both nations.

The military excursions — which the Democrats used to condemn as “unilateralism” when Bush did it — mount from nation to nation. In his November speech at West Point announcing the escalation in Afghanistan, Obama promised more intervention in Somalia and Yemen. He had already bombed and even with a small force invaded Somalia, and provided about eighty tons of weaponry to Somalia’s “government,” much of which ends up in the hands of the insurgents. His administration had threatened to invade Eritria in April. In the next month, at least dozens of civilians were killed in Yemen by Obama’s cruise missiles, which was soon after cited by the Christmas Day underwear bomber as the inspiration for his attempted act of blowback.

Although his diplomatic tone toward Iran marks an improvement over Bush’s belligerence, it is also less coherent, coming from an administration that claims Iran was “caught” with a nuclear facility that Iran itself had announced, well within its rights, to the International Atomic Energy Agency and that was not nuclearized at the time of this supposed revelation. Obama has approved tough sanctions on Iran, a classical act of war by other means, which will only hurt the Iranian people and strengthen the mullahs. While the claims that Iran is intervening in the battlefields of Iraq and Afghanistan against our forces strain credibility, in October, a terrorist associated with Jundallah — an al-Qaeda-affiliated enemy of the Iranian government that the United States most likely backs covertlycarried out a suicide attack that killed 31 people.

Obama has also backed stricter sanctions against North Korea, a billion-plus dollars in foreign aid to Mexico so it can crack down on drugs, and $108 billion in loan guarantees to the International Monetary Fund.

This last bit of spending, incidentally, was included in a war supplemental bill passed in June. Aside from the $108 billion for the IMF was an off-budget $106 billion for Afghanistan and Iraq war spending, $660 million in aid for Gaza, $555 million for Israel, $310 million for Egypt, $300 million for Jordan, $420 million for Mexico and $889 million for UN peacekeeping missions. This supplemental bill was requested by the man who said last February:

This budget looks ahead ten years and accounts for spending that was left out under the old rules — and for the first time, that includes the full cost of fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan. For seven years, we have been a nation at war. No longer will we hide its price.

The president who won the Nobel Peace Prize has pushed through the largest “defense” budgets since World War II, and just requested a total of $708 billion Department of Defense budget for next year.

In some important ways, Obama’s general promise to change foreign policy was always in tension with his specific campaign vows. To the extent it has changed, it has almost all changed for the worse — more intervention, more war, more foreign aid, more bombings. But the trajectory is approximately identical to the way it was under Bush. What else would we expect from the president who put McChrystal in charge of Afghanistan, appointed John Brennan, another Bush adviser closely associated with Bush’s “enhanced interrogation” policy, to the post of Deputy National Security Adviser for Homeland Security, and kept Robert Gates as the Defense Secretary upon taking office on a campaign of hope and change?

Civil Liberties and the Rule of Law

Perhaps in the related areas of civil liberties, the rule of law, and such matters, we could expect to have seen more change than with war proper. Well, if we did, we should be rather disappointed by now. In his first week, Obama issued several orders, closing black sites, setting today as the deadline by which Guantánamo will have been closed, and symbolically reining in some excesses of the Bush years. The fifty-one weeks since then have been nothing but an entrenchment, ratification and expansion of Bush’s policies.

The first sign that this might be the case happened shortly after Obama sealed his nomination as the Democratic presidential candidate, when he reversed himself on a campaign promise and voted to legalize Bush’s warrantless wiretapping program. As president in April, he demonstrated his commitment to this program as his administration fought a lawsuit to inquire into the program, citing not just the “state secrets” doctrine abused by Bush, but going further and invoking “sovereign immunity.”

The surveillance state has continued apace. The Transportation Security Administration has been pushing for full-body scans since 2002 and now has an excuse with the government’s failure to stop the underwear bomber. Last year we saw a leaked copy of the Department of Homeland Security’s now-infamous report on “rightwing extremism” — alerting law enforcement to keep an eye out for Americans with unpopular political views, a policy that was also embraced by Bush (and many presidents before). Particularly frightening is the proposal of Cass Sunstein, head of the Office of Information and Regulatory Affairs, that the government “cognitively infiltrate” online groups to spread disinformation and discredit “conspiracy theories.” If the goal is to quash paranoia, they are not doing a good enough job. But one could be forgiven for believing the real goal is to chill dissent. And speaking of Obama administration officials proposing most disconcerting policies, we must not forget that Rahm Emanuel has suggested that Americans on the No-Fly List lose their Second-Amendment rights.

The most worrisome developments under Obama concerning the rule of law revolve around detention policy. Repeatedly, Obama criticized the Bush administration for its “legal black hole” at Guantánamo, and argued that indefinite detention without the benefit of habeas corpus was an affront to time-honored American values. In an early indication of where this administration would take this policy, it stood by the Bush-era designation of “enemy combatants” and fought a ruling by a Bush-appointed federal judge that habeas corpus should extend, in limited capacity, to the Bagram prison camp in Afghanistan.

In May, Obama stood in front of the National Archives — in front of the Bill of Rights itself — and engaged in the most impressive example of doublespeak in our time. He spoke well about the principles of the rule of law and how important they are to our country, even as he unveiled a plan to try some detainees in court, try others in front of military commissions and keep some of them imprisoned indefinitely — a policy of “prolonged detention” that, in a sense, went beyond the Bush policy of executive detention in that it was now asserted to be a part of our legal fabric, not just an ad-hoc executive prerogative. This was akin to Bush’s saying he had to destroy the free market to save it, except it was much slicker and actually fooled many people.

When the Democratic Congress refused to finance the closing of Guantánamo, Obama stood by its decision. Now it appears that he intends to bring many of them to a detention facility in Indiana, thus bringing the lawlessness of Guantánamo into our shores. This is an unspeakably unsettling precedent.

Although Obama has been attacked for trying the alleged 9/11 mastermind Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, there was a decent chance this would have happened anyway, and many other terrorists have been given civil trial — Timothy McVeigh, Richard Reid, and even “20th hijacker” Zacarias Moussaoui. An irony, once pointed out by Obama, is that the more evidence the government has against a suspect, the more likely they are to get civil procedure, as opposed to a military commission or indefinite detention. But the concern that Mohammed will find a technicality and be released, and the liberals’ triumphant posturing that the rule of law is finally being obeyed, must run against the inconvenient fact that Obama’s Justice Department says, even if he is acquitted, he will simply be remanded to indefinite detention anyway!

Two other Bush policies savaged by Obama and his civil libertarian supporters were torture and extraordinary renditioning, whereby detainees would be outsourced to foreign regimes for interrogation unbecoming of our own republican system. As for torture, although the policy is officially that the U.S. does not torture — which was also technically the Bush policy — abuses at Guantánamo have only gotten worse. Further, Obama flip-flopped on his promise to release the photographs of torture at the hands of U.S. officials, going so far as to push for an amendment to the Freedom of Information Act with the sole purpose of preventing images of torture since 9/11 from going public.

As for renditioning, it will continue in a modified form, with Hillary Clinton’s State Department in charge of “oversight.” The use of black sites and secret prisons appears to have ended (although it was probably receding long before Obama took office), but the new president’s first case of renditioning raises all new concerns. Raymond Azar alleges credibly that he was tortured in all the ways we’d expect from the Bush years — deprived of sleep, stuck in stress positions for many hours, subjected to extreme temperatures and taunted that he’d never again see his family if he didn’t speak. But there’s a twist: Azar was not a terrorist, or accused of one, or even alleged to be the least bit dangerous. His supposed crime was knowing about a petty amount of corruption committed by a U.S.-connected military contractor and not coming forward. He is essentially, if anything, a white-collar criminal, and in the hundreds of billions wasted in defense spending over the years, it is bizarre he would be targeted over a meager amount, and downright terrifying that such extralegal processes and abuses were used in the case of a man alleged to be a Muslim version of Martha Stewart.

Obamanomics and Domestic Affairs

Moderate Americans tend to trust Democrats in domestic affairs and Republicans on national security issues. The financial collapse of 2008 played into the hands of Democrats who wanted to use the crisis as an excuse to expand government power and implement the policies they had long wanted — just as 9/11 was the type of foreign-policy crisis that formed the perfect storm for Republican interventionism.

Indeed, in the domestic arena there has been the most actual change, at least superficially. Most of the debates in the last year have concerned domestic policy. The flavor of central planning we could always expect under Obama is a mixture of center-left Keynesianism, corporate socialism with an egalitarian veneer, and the machine-politics pragmatism of Chicago from whence his career was launched.

But libertarians, limited-government conservatives and anti-corporatist liberals should actually agree on one thing: Obama’s economic policy has been a disaster and a betrayal in practically every way.

We could tell there would mostly be continuity when Obama picked Timothy Geithner, who had been intimate in the Bush-Paulson Wall Street bailouts, as his Treasury Secretary. From then to Obama’s nomination of Bernanke to serve another term as Fed Chairman, there has been little for anyone wanting actual “change” to celebrate.

First, a note on Obama’s style of governance. A product of a tech-savvy and youthful political movement, Obama repeatedly promised transparency, transparency, transparency. He said the deliberations with drug and insurance companies would be on C-SPAN. He said all non-emergency legislation would be online for five days for the public to read before it was voted on. He has broken these promises.

The first bill Obama ever signed, the Lilly Ledbetter “Equal Pay for Equal Work” law, was not put online as promised. Neither was the stimulus bill. And neither have all the health care talks been on C-Span, as he repeatedly promised. It is also difficult to find an excuse for why Obama’s website that showed where all the stimulus money was supposed to be creating jobs listed 440 Congressional districts that don’t even exist. This is the kind of mistake that is either the product of such brazen hubris, or such incompetence, that it makes even the most cynical opponent of government corruption scratch his head and laugh.

Now, in the case of the stimulus bill, Obama did claim it was an emergency. The cost of inaction was too great to delay action. “[A]t this particular moment, only government can provide the short term boost necessary to lift us from a recession this deep and severe.” He also said, “For every day we wait or point our fingers or drag our feet, more Americans will lose their jobs.  More families will lose their savings.”

And how did that work out? As USA Today reported just recently:

Even before Barack Obama took the oath of office, his economic advisers projected that without hundreds of billions of dollars in government spending, the U.S. economy could lose another 3 million to 4 million jobs on top of the 3.1 million lost in 2008.

It turns out they were optimistic. Even with the $787 billion stimulus package that Obama signed in February, more than 4 million jobs have been lost in 2009, the worst year for job losses since World War II. The jobless rate that advisers projected would peak at 8% has topped 10%.

Early on, Obama gave us the auto bailouts that Bush probably would have had he continued serving in office, circumventing bankruptcy law, hurting creditors and essentially nationalizing the car industry. Now the Treasury tells us such “loans” are “highly unlikely to be recovered.” Related to this of course was the Keynesian and Rooseveltian “Cash for Clunkers” program, an insane subsidy project whereby cars that could have been sold to people who actually could use them were destroyed wholesale in exchange for a voucher to buy a new car. Many of these new cars were foreign imports, even though the program was supposed to boost America’s auto industry. But all in all, what the program did was encourage Americans to either buy a car a little earlier or later than they would have anyway. The only tangible result is American taxpayers were ripped off and perfectly good cars were destroyed.

As far as old-fashioned spending goes, Obama is king. Last Spring, Obama unveiled an unfathomable $3.6 trillion budget with a $1.2 trillion deficit. The deficit is now nearly as large as the entire budget was when Bill Clinton took office in 1992. In real dollars, you have to go back to the height of the Vietnam War, and the U.S. was still not spending as much as the U.S. is borrowing today. Talk about scary.

In terms of the general flavor of Obama’s domestic policy, it is generally the same welfare-state corporatism we have become all too familiar with. Those progressives who think the president is standing up to corporate interests should read Matt Taibbi to learn all about how Obama has only taken the Wall Street-Washington revolving door and widened it.

There is a new emphasis on regulation and welfarism that we did not get from Bush, but the shift has mainly been rhetorical. The corporatist nature of America’s mixed economy can be seen in Obamacare — where the insurance companies will have a captive market, thanks to the “individual mandate” that candidate Obama claimed he opposed — as well as in Cap and Trade, which will create a commodity market in the right to pollute (and that’s assuming you take the administration at its word that carbon dioxide is a pollutant).

Speaking of health care, the interventionist scope of Obama’s bill is deeply unsettling. By forcing people to buy insurance, the government will soon embark on a virtually unprecedented and unconstitutional intrusion into our personal lives. Meanwhile, keeping with the corporatism of the previous president, Obama’s FDA has successfully opposed the reimportation of cheap drugs, which Obama once supported, and his Department of Agriculture represents a continuation of the corporate-welfare subsidies and cartelization in farming we’ve seen over the years.

Overall, there has been a sharp acceleration of intervention at home. There is no doubt. Obama’s health-care plan represents a tax increase, which he claimed he would not impose on the middle class. This administration has banned flavored cigarettes, invaded the corporate boardroom, expanded the budget, buffed up the EPA and regulatory agencies, pushed for an “network neutrality” policy that would hand the internet over to the FCC, and on and on.

Bush’s Ninth Year?

While many left-liberal partisans continue to cheer on Obama and attempt to hush all dissent, some on the left have become critical of Obama’s continuation of Bush’s policies. Those who recognize Obama’s first year as essentially an extension of the Bush administration still often fall short of recognizing the fundamental issue here: This was practically meant to be. The two parties hand power off to one another, but the essential political realities remain in place. Caroll Quigley, the brilliant historian of the establishment, wrote in Tragedy and Hope:

The argument that the two parties should represent opposed ideals and policies, one, perhaps, of the Right and the other of the Left, is a foolish idea acceptable only to the doctrinaire and academic thinkers. Instead, the two parties should be almost identical, so that the American people can ‘throw the rascals out’ at any election without leading to any profound or extreme shifts in policy…. Either party in office becomes in time corrupt, tired, unenterprising, and vigorless. Then it should be possible to replace it, every four years if necessary, by the other party, which will be none of these things but will still pursue, with new vigor, approximately the same basic policies.

And whatever the particular ideological makeup of the Democratic Party supposedly is — an active federal government, the advancement of human rights worldwide, national prerogative being supreme over the authority of the several states, central economic planning, a charitable, rather than strict, reading of the Constitution — there was never any reason that this philosophical matrix when combined with the awesome and invariably corrupting power of Washington DC would yield anything other than an approximate continuation and validation of the Bush years, with some essentially cosmetic changes here and there.

The answer to the Obama problem is the same as it was to the Bush problem, the Clinton problem, and the problem with every president who overstepped his bounds, waged unconstitutional wars, denied due process to suspects, violated the Fourth Amendment and spent so much as to make his predecessor look like a piker — philosophical revolution. Until the American people are swayed by the arguments for sound money, free markets, constrained government, the rule of law and peace in international affairs, they will continue to elect presidents whose distinctions are greatly overshadowed by their similarities with the men they replace. The hope for real change will be dashed, just as it was when Bush embarked on a presidency of unconstitutional terror policies, stimulus, bailouts, and huge expansions of Medicare and other domestic programs. Just as it is now for so many Obama supporters, who have seen their agent of hope and change continue on the path laid out by his predecessor, except with some window dressing and more rhetorical emphasis on social programs and economic regulation.

If the latter superficial considerations are enough to fool those who thought they were rejecting the Bush-McCain platform by pulling the lever for the Democrat in 2008, they just might find themselves reelecting Bush to a fourth term in 2012. If the conservative opponents of Obama do not find a more consistent dedication to liberty and government sharply restrained at both home and abroad, they just might take the White House in 2012, only to find they themselves had just reelected Obama in all ways that matter — a person with a different name but with most of the disastrous flaws in governing that they find so readily in today’s occupant of the Oval Office.
Copyright © 2010 Campaign for Liberty. Permission to reprint in full or in part is gladly granted, provided full credit is given.

Roundup – Midget Karate Chop

Posted in Roundup with tags , , , , on January 19, 2010 by Zombie Jesus X

Line O’ the Day:

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

We’d better head back to base before it gets dark.  There’s no way to locate Sam now.

BLUE JOEL MOORE

No way to locate him?  We spent billions of dollars growing these things and didn’t bother giving them a GPS or something?  I have a fucking GPS in my running shoes.  How does the “jacking in” process work if we can’t locate the fucking things?

- Rod, Avatar: the Abridged Script [The Editing Room]

Best of the Best:

In the Left Corner:

How About Some Dessert Instead

Restaurant | Ireland

(I have a table of four foreign business-men. One of them looks very sad.)

Sad customer: “And also, you bring me tea because this country is very cold and I am sick.”

Me: “I’m sorry you’re not well. Of course I’ll bring you some tea.”

Sad customer: “…and then you marry me, because no-one will marry me.”

Roundup – Kimmel Firebombs Leno

Posted in Roundup with tags , , on January 16, 2010 by Zombie Jesus X

Line O’ the Day:

“Holy shit, ‘99 Warner crushed the Packers defense, and now he gets the 26th ranked pass defense in the league. And he’s retiring at the end of this season. Fuck picking against THAT guy. No way. I’m not picking against the Cardinals until ‘99 Warner is lashed, crucified, buried, resurrected, dead again, and dead for another 2,000 years. The man is not to be fucked with.” – Big Daddy Drew, Hitler: the Drinking Game!  Your Divisional Jamboroo [Big Daddy Drew via Deadspin]

Best of the Best:

Bringing Up the Rear:

Roundup – Shoulda Put a Ring on Mayberry

Posted in Roundup with tags , , , , , on January 12, 2010 by Zombie Jesus X

Meh, I still like the time when Peaches visited Mayberry better.

Yeah, that’s the stuff right there.

Line O’ the Day:

“You think I gave a guy the finger? You calling me a liar? Todd Haley doesn’t need to tell anyone to go fuck themselves. When he walks in the room, they are already FUCKED.”

/drives off in used Porsche. -Big Daddy Drew, Peter King is Ultra-Excited About his Xmas Gift [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Best of the Best:

Junkyard:

Roundup – New Year’s Afterbirth

Posted in Roundup with tags , , , on January 10, 2010 by Zombie Jesus X

Line O’ the Day:

Jerry: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP. I’m not done congratulating myself yet! You know, Mammy, a lot of people said the Double J was wrong to hire your fat ass. They said you were a loser. They said you couldn’t win in the playoffs. They said you were fucking fat. REALLY fucking fat. “Butter the bus seat” fat. They said you spent too much time in your office fucking banana peels…

Wade: I don’t remember anyone saying that.

Jerry: I did. BUT LOOK AT YOUR FAT ASS NOW! I have taken a fat, slobbering, wastoid of a human being and made him into a December winner! You and your flabby FUPA drippings have proven that the Double J can make a STAR out of any coach! Fuck, I could make that shit dog over there into Vince Lombardi if I chose!

Wade: Roscoe?

Jerry: You named him Roscoe? That’s the name of a fat man’s dog, if I ever heard it!

- Big Daddy Drew, I Deserve a Raise that Does Not Involve Free Sausage [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Best of the Best:

The Remains:

Roundup – Carl’s Stone Cold Lock of the Century of the Week

Posted in Roundup with tags , , , on January 10, 2010 by Zombie Jesus X

If Video Isn’t Loading

Line O’ the Day:

[ed note. My own BCS attack was sadly put to shame by BDD; well, assuming anyone read that article...the three people that looked at that article]

“There’s nothing to fix with this Week 17 problem. Week 17 of the NFL season usually sucks. Big fucking deal. After that, you get to the playoffs, and the playoffs are AWESOME. If a lousy Week 17 is the tradeoff for a great playoffs, I have no issue with it. No one remembers what happens in Week 17, just as they don’t remember what happens in the preseason. And that’s because the playoffs own so fucking hard. The aggressively retarded Inside the BCS Twitter feed would have you believe this one lame week of the NFL season totally justifies how college football does its business. BULLSHIT. Complete bullshit. Like college football has any more fucking integrity. I’d rather have a meaningless ending to the regular season and a solid postseason instead of the other way around (and the end of the college regular season sometimes isn’t even that great, like this year). Who won the Orange Bowl this year? Iowa? Who fucking cares? No one will remember that shit five minutes from now, except a bunch of assholes in a cornfield. Fucking BCS cunts. You want to keep your retarded system? By all means, go right ahead. But don’t try telling me it’s somehow superior to the postseason system deployed by every other sport. I hope your assholes get filled with boiling oil, you smug pricks. DIE. GET PARKINSON’S, START SHAKING, AND FUCKING DIE.” – Big Daddy Drew, Children Will Crush Your Playoff Dreams.  Wildcard Playoff Jambaroo. [Deadspin]

Best of the Best:

The Remains: