Help Me, Baby Dinosaur!

Originally written on 06 – 24 – 2008

Holy Christ in a crackerjack box, I’ve not penned a treatise on all that is insane in my alcohol addled brain in over two months.  Whether this be a travesty or a cause for adulation I’ll leave to the discretion on the last person reading this as my computer is discovered after a nuclear fallout.  Between that and conversing with cockroaches, I think many would choose suicide.  But what has occurred during our six weeks apart from one another?  Nothing of particular merit, besides Barack Obama finally putting Hillary in the ground.  Better hit that shit with a shovel, my friend, some stank just won’t stay in the dirt.

  • Granted I haven’t had much trouble from our friends at the TSA, but if you’re looking for some entertaining govermental follies, look no further.  My favorite: air marshals being denied boarding because their name appears on a no-fly list.  Soon to be on the no-fly list: the Lord Jesus Christ.  That guy is a terrorist; look at the beard, man!
  • NASCAR is apparently not all Ricky Bobby all the time.  It’s a bit more Clarence Thomas than expected.  QUITE A BIT MORE: “On or about the week of April 14, 2007 while in Texas working at the Texas Motor Speedway, NASCAR Busch Series Assistant Director Mike Dolan approached Plaintiff MAURICIA GRANT while he was eating an ice cream sandwich. Mr. Dolan commenced licking the cream in a lewd manner, insinuating that the chocolate cake was a vagina and he was performing oral sex. While doing this, Mr. Dolan stared at Plaintiff and raised his eyebrows suggestively. Plaintiff MAURICIA GRANT was repulsed.”  Makes Isiah Thomas look like a piker.  You are never going to beat Stephen Marbury’s truck party though–that would be nailing an intern in a truck, across the street from a strip club, where the intern’s birthday party apparently was.  I dare you to make up a less believable porn plot.  “I’m here to fix dinna cabal” (“Lord, you can imagine what happens next”, “He fixes the cable?”) comes to mind, but it’s tough to beat Logjammin’ featuring a pre-surgically and pharmaceutically maimed Tara Reid.

  • As much as made out of the near collapse of Bear Sterns a few months ago, that sort of financial disaster may only be topped by a currency failure.  Zimbabwe is more or less experiencing this right now.  I hear it’s somewhat less than fun.  Black markets, barter, basically the complete reversion of a modern economy to something medieval.  Speaking of Bear Sterns, the Wall Street Journal has two excellent articles on the near collapse.  They’re only available to subscribers but here’s a good one from Treasury Secretary Paulson:   “Throughout the weekend, the Fed’s Mr. Geithner had been consulting Mr. Paulson, a former investment banker who had run Goldman Sachs Group Inc. for seven years before becoming Treasury secretary. After they talked on Sunday afternoon, they decided that Mr. Paulson should call J.P. Morgan CEO James Dimon. He reached Mr. Dimon, who put the call on the speakerphone in his Park Avenue office. The bank was mulling a price of $4 or $5 a share. ‘That sounds high to me,’ Mr. Paulson said. ‘I think this should be done at a low price.'”  Yeah, put him in a bodybag!
  • The fiasco also produced one of the most awkwardly worded headlines in the history of mankind: “Touching and Feeling with Jaime and Alan“.  Like summer camp gone all Michael Jackson on us on Wall Street right now.  Predictably, no authority can clean up this mess we’re in, but they’re sure as hell going to try.  Gonna be a regulatory orgy here soon.
  • Gore Vidal: “Bobby Kennedy was the biggest son of a bitch in politics”.
  • Ron Paul to John McCain: Fuck you.  “How can you be a good Republican if you don’t campaign for the Republican candidate?” Roberts wondered. “Maybe you’re a good Republican if you stand up for Republican principles,” Paul asserted.

Why the fuck would I own a house?

A lot of people, especially upon getting married, look to owning a house as part of the natural life cycle.  Renting is seen as a sign of either failure or poverty.  Owning a house is an asset that (supposedly) retains value and stores wealth, as well as a source of equity off of which one can borrow.  But why would I want to own a house?  Houses are a fuckload of work.  Like something in The Shining, a house will almost certainly try to kill you and/or annoy you to death over the many years you live in it.  The foundation cracks, walls need to be painted, wiring goes haywire, insulation goes bad, hippies start nesting in the eaves.  That being said, renting is a crapshoot to a certain a extent, a lot depending on your neighbors and your landlord.  And while you can complain to a landlord about a bad neighbor, trying to deal with a reticent neighbor who owns his own house is tricky, especially if he’s well-armed and is a fan of Nicholas Cage movies.

It calls to mind those reality TV shows whose central myth of transformation centers on the home. ‘Extreme Makeover: Home Edition,’ ‘Trading Spaces,’ ‘Flip This House’ and so on. These programs are the new pornography of the landed middle class, and they are, in their own way, as cruel as the old pornography. Just as the libidinal 13-year-old will someday discover that not all naked women look like Playboy centerfolds, so too, the first-time homeowner will have to learn that refurbishing your den, even on national TV, does nothing to heal the cracks in your foundation.”  (I think Steve Almond just ripped off Tyler Durden).  “In a sense, our political leaders, in tandem with the retail sector, have offered the same cheap coverup. They’ve portrayed homeownership as a birthright and a breeze. Just plunk down your 10 percent, zip over to Home Depot, and you’re home free.  But maybe it’s time to admit that many Americans are like me: unfit for the privilege. We buy homes we can’t afford, we treat them like piggybanks, and often we lack the aptitude or interest required to care for them. Would it really be such a heresy to return to the good old days of, say, early last century, when fewer than half of all Americans owned their dwellings, as opposed to the nearly 70 percent who do today? I suspect, as the cheap oil era dwindles and the price of upkeep surges, we’ll see a return to collective living spaces. Greater density will mean less privacy. But it might also rescue us from castles we were never truly ready to rule.”

It’s a fair lesson: if you’re a dedicated home improver, might as well own your house as fixing it up may likewise be a source of entertainment for you.  If you’re like me, you’re far more interested on whatever flotsam is passing on the internet, like sports, porn, sports porn and porn sports.  Lewis Black came up with pairs figure skating/blowjobs – I am intrigued.  Beach volleyball would become infinitely more watchable – we were so close the last time.  (Also, while I was searching for that picture, I got a pop-up add asking me to determine my credit score that didn’t have much else besides a teal background and a frowny face.  I think the pop-up add just called me a deadbeat.  This is about not owning a house, isn’t it, you bastards!?!?  I’ll not live by the leave of the landed elite!).


Flouride: Or How I Learned to Stop Brushing and Love the Gengivitis

One of the more fascinating stories on the possible downside of the fluoride added to water supplies: That safety verdict should now be re-examined in the light of hundreds of once-secret WWII documents obtained by Griffiths and Bryson –including declassified papers of the Manhattan Project, the U.S. military group that built the atomic bomb. Fluoride was the key chemical in atomic bomb production, according to the documents. Massive quantities of fluoride– millions of tons– were essential for the manufacture of bomb-grade uranium and plutonium for nuclear weapons throughout the Cold War. One of the most toxic chemicals known, fluoride rapidly emerged as the leading chemical health hazard of the U.S atomic bomb program–both for workers and for nearby communities, the documents reveal.

“Other revelations include:

* “Much of the original proof that fluoride is safe for humans in low doses was generated by A-bomb program scientists, who had been secretly ordered to provide “evidence useful in litigation” against defense contractors for fluoride injury to citizens. The first lawsuits against the U.S. A-bomb program were not over radiation, but over fluoride damage, the documents show.

* “Human studies were required. Bomb program researchers played a leading role in the design and implementation of the most extensive U.S. study of the health effects of fluoridating public drinking water–conducted in Newburgh, New York from 1945 to 1956. Then, in a classified operation code-named “Program F,” they secretly gathered and analyzed blood and tissue samples from Newburgh citizens, with the cooperation of State Health Department personnel.

* “The original secret version–obtained by these reporters–of a 1948 study published by Program F scientists in the Journal of the American Dental Association shows that evidence of adverse health effects from fluoride was censored by the U.S. Atomic Energy Commission (AEC) –considered the most powerful of Cold War agencies– for reasons of national security.

* “The bomb program’s fluoride safety studies were conducted at the University of Rochester, site of one of the most notorious human radiation experiments of the Cold War, in which unsuspecting hospital patients were injected with toxic doses of radioactive plutonium. The fluoride studies were conducted with the same ethical mind-set, in which “national security” was paramount.

* “The U.S. government’s conflict of interest–and its motive to prove fluoride “safe” — has not until now been made clear to the general public in the furious debate over water fluoridation since the 1950’s, nor to civilian researchers and health professionals, or journalists.”

A Little Something for the Ladies

I don’t think I have to tell anyone about how popular I am with the female persuasion.  It’s like my genitals are made of gold and taste of fine chocolate (don’t think about that sentence for too long).  When you’re as dashing as I am, you might need a few words that women hate in order to keep the slag away.  In fact, the word “slag” should probably be on that list.  It isn’t.  Then again, I wasn’t on the list of the most beautiful people in the history of mankind (I’m behind Rudolph Valentino?!?  Fuck that guinea frog.  Granted he didn’t even talk in his movies and still probably puts Orlando Bloom to shame.  Yikes, fifty bucks says Orlando’s other hand is on that dog’s kibbles and bits).  Regardless, I think my two favorite words on that list are #13 Smegma and #3 Cankles.  Those have the repulsive power of a dude with numbers shaved into his back (what is that sitting next to him?  Like Chewbacca banged Bruce Vilanch over there).

The one I use the most: #48 Taint.

However, I still think the one with the most power, at least here in the States, remains: #7 Cunt.  I dare you to survive calling a girl a cunt; basically, if you can survive getting attacked by a bobcat on PCP, you might be able to come out with both eyes functioning.

Also, although my features that evoke Greek gods, my kryptonite, as those Hellenic statues would suggest: incredibly small chairman.  Think baby carrot and then think smaller.

If verbal abuse alone is degrading enough for you, you can always take your lady down a notch with the  marital rating scale.  I like “Never goes to bed angry–always makes up first” – that’s clearly code for oral sex while serving beer.  What’s on the male version?  Merit: “resists using the pimp hand, favoring a proper Victorian open palm strike”; Demerit: “displays Communist leanings”.

But ladies, fear not this benign misogyny of an era past.  The descendants of the Vikings empathize with your tribulations; and are forcing companies to fire anyone with a career debilitating penis to hire your vagina! That’s right, “in Norway, they’re enforcing a law that 40% of directors of companies must be female.”  What happens if they’re all pregnant at once?  The magic of conference call childbirth, that’s what.  So remember ladies, if you’re applying for a job in Oslo, be sure to mention that you do, in fact, have a menstrual cycle.  And that counts for a 40% shot.  (I’m not anything in that paragraph made sense).

Finally, a message for the gentlemens: if you cannot endure one more moment of her bullshitting about her emotions, all you have to do is make her come.  Unfortunately, I’m stuck; women are a mystery to me on both those levels.  Women having orgasms?  Not according to the Catholic Church, sir.  That’s called “witchcraft”.




  • That picture never gets old.
  • Former Vice President Al Gore was interviewed by “Fresh Air” host Terry Gross about the release of his book, “The Assault on Reason,” in paperback:   “And as we’re talking today, Terry, the death count in Myanmar from the cyclone that hit there yesterday has been rising from 15,000 to way on up there to much higher numbers now being speculated,” Gore said. “And last year a catastrophic storm last fall hit Bangladesh. The year before, the strongest cyclone in more than 50 years hit China – and we’re seeing consequences that scientists have long predicted might be associated with continued global warming.”   Gore claimed global warming is forcing ocean temperatures to rise, which is causing storms, including cyclones and hurricanes, to intensify.
  • It was revealed by ABC News that one of the famous shots of supposed Antarctic ice shelves in An Inconvenient Truth was actually a computer-generated image from the 2004 science fiction blockbuster The Day After Tomorrow. I feel like it hasn’t been fully determined how much damage this movie did to all the actors that were in it.  Jake Gyllenhaal was only able to salvage his career by doing Brokeback Mountain, which came at the price of pretty much everyone assuming he was gay (not that that’s a bad thing).  Fun fact though: according to imdb.com, Jake had a cameo in City Slickers and another in “Homicide: Life on the Street”, where he probably got screamed at by Andre Braugher and fondled by Richard Belzer.
  • Phil Chapman, a geophysicist and astronautical engineer who was the first Australian to become a NASA astronaut, weighs in: “Disconcerting as it may be to true believers in global warming, the average temperature on Earth has remained steady or slowly declined during the past decade, despite the continued increase in the atmospheric concentration of carbon dioxide, and now the global temperature is falling precipitously. All four agencies that track Earth’s temperature (the Hadley Climate Research Unit in Britain, the NASA Goddard Institute for Space Studies in New York, the Christy group at the University of Alabama, and Remote Sensing Systems Inc in California) report that it cooled by about 0.7C in 2007. This is the fastest temperature change in the instrumental record and it puts us back where we were in 1930. If the temperature does not soon recover, we will have to conclude that global warming is over. There is also plenty of anecdotal evidence that 2007 was exceptionally cold. It snowed in Baghdad for the first time in centuries, the winter in China was simply terrible and the extent of Antarctic sea ice in the austral winter was the greatest on record since James Cook discovered the place in 1770. It is generally not possible to draw conclusions about climatic trends from events in a single year, so I would normally dismiss this cold snap as transient, pending what happens in the next few years. This is where SOHO comes in. The sunspot number follows a cycle of somewhat variable length, averaging 11 years. The most recent minimum was in March last year. The new cycle, No.24, was supposed to start soon after that, with a gradual build-up in sunspot numbers. It didn’t happen. The first sunspot appeared in January this year and lasted only two days. A tiny spot appeared last Monday but vanished within 24 hours. Another little spot appeared this Monday. Pray that there will be many more, and soon. The reason this matters is that there is a close correlation between variations in the sunspot cycle and Earth’s climate. The previous time a cycle was delayed like this was in the Dalton Minimum, an especially cold period that lasted several decades from 1790. Northern winters became ferocious: in particular, the rout of Napoleon’s Grand Army during the retreat from Moscow in 1812 was at least partly due to the lack of sunspots.”
  • The National Environmental Satellite, Data and Information Service would seem to agree: “The average temperature in May 2008 was 60.3 F. This was -0.7 F cooler than the 1901-2000 (20th century) average, the 35th coolest May in 114 years. The temperature trend for the period of record (1895 to present) is 0.1 degrees Fahrenheit per decade.”
  • The UN and others continue to hedge their bets on any sort of cooling trend: “Global temperatures for 2008 will be slightly cooler than last year as a result of the cold La Nina current in the Pacific, UN meteorologists have said. The World Meteorological Organization’s secretary-general, Michel Jarraud, told the BBC it was likely that La Nina would continue into the summer. But this year’s temperatures would still be way above the average – and we would soon exceed the record year of 1998 because of global warming induced by greenhouse gases. The WMO points out that the decade from 1998 to 2007 was the warmest on record. Since the beginning of the 20th Century, the global average surface temperature has risen by 0.74C. While Nasa, the US space agency, cites 2005 as the warmest year, the UK’s Hadley Centre lists it as second to 1998. Researchers say the uncertainty in the observed value for any particular year is larger than these small temperature differences. What matters, they say, is the long-term upward trend.”

From the Wikipedia:

Dunbar’s number is the supposed cognitive limit to the number of individuals with whom any one person can maintain stable social relationships: the kind of relationships that go with knowing who each person is and how each person relates socially to every other person. Proponents assert that group sizes larger than this generally require more restricted rules, laws, and enforced policies and regulations to maintain a stable cohesion. No precise value has been proposed for Dunbar’s number, but a commonly cited approximate figure is 150.”  150 seems a bit high.  I have roughly 8 friends, five of which are inflatable sex toys, and I don’t even remember their names all the time.

This Week’s Stephen Colbert’s Guitarmageddon Toss of the Gauntlet:

THE CLASSICS Not very old-timey, but it is the always bluesy Black Keys putting down “I Got Mine” on Letterman.  I CRAVE SALTY FOOD!:

Jimi Jam – More acid than we know what to do with, here are Jimi, Janis Joplin and Jim Morrison belting out Jimi’s “Red House”.  All have been dead for thirty years.

Double Black Diamond: Continuing the white blues theme, Louisiana’s own Kenny Wayne Shepherd shreds:

For acoustic guitar fun: Asian musical prodigies.  My God, they’re taking over everything:

Vodpod videos no longer available.
If You Don’t Like This Video, I Don’t Like You:

I am Not Mark Twain PSA (I am Immune to Your Judgments, My Babies):

Vodpod videos no longer available.

I am Not Mark Twain Part II

Vodpod videos no longer available.



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