Holiday Wishes

Originally 4/16/2008

I believe I’ve addressed this subject in previous posts, but there is a long and dry stretch from Christmas through July 4th, otherwise known as blow-shit-up-for-American-Jesus Day, that offer sorry few holidays to become inebriated (likewise from the 4th through Halloween).   What is required is more and better holidays.  Luckily St. Patrick’s is rapidly becoming a national holiday by sheer force of national alcoholism.  Even Cinco de Mayo has become a Mexican St. Patrick’s Day in that people mostly use it as an excuse to mainline tequila.  Wikipedia notes that the fifth of May “is primarily a regional and not an obligatory federal holiday in Mexico. The date is observed in the United States and other locations around the world as a celebration of Mexican heritage and pride.  A common misconception in the United States is that Cinco de Mayo is Mexico’s Independence Day; Mexico’s Independence Day is actually September 16, which is the most important national patriotic holiday in Mexico.  [Cinco de Mayo] commemorates an initial victory of Mexican forces led by General Ignacio Zaragoza Seguín over French forces in the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862.” The other holidays are not much to speak of: Martin Luther King Day and President’s Day are somewhat ignored for their actual significance and exploited by politicians or those wishing to liquidate some post-Christmas merchandise.

Valentine’s Day is total bullshit.

Easter is more of a religious observance than anything else, and its secular natures (bunnies and eggs?  I assume Lucy in the sky with diamonds can’t be far behind) are more that a little unsettling, as South Park observed.  Likewise, the stretch from the Fourth to Halloween has only the unsatisfying Labor Day which, like Memorial Day, has lost most of its solemn nature and become July 4th Lite (the beer has fewer calories).

Thus, we need some filler.  More honestly, we need more excuses to drink (with no touch of strangeness, the first two days here occur between Halloween and Christmas, an extremely festive time):

Repeal Day: December 5. I learned of this glorious commemoration of the repeal of Prohibition this year and thought, “now that’s just genius”.  Unfortunately, it falls in early December, not long after Thanksgiving, and in the midst of Christmas parties, where adding a holiday dedicated to legal inebriation is just reckless.  Thus, we could switch it to April 7th , whence in 1933, prohibition was repealed for beer of no more than 3.2% alcohol by weight, eight months before the ratification of the XXI amendment.  Naturally, we can all celebrate absinthe’s tentative return to legality in the United States Wikipedia tells us that “in 2007 the laws prohibiting absinthe were relaxed and several brands of absinthe were legally approved for sale. These brands must pass TTB testing, which is performed by the Gas Chromatography-Mass Spectrometry method and TTB considers a product to be thujone-free if the FDA’s test measures less than 10ppm (equal to 10mg/kg) thujone.  A US distillery also began producing and selling absinthe, the first US company to do so since 1912.”   Don’t get overexcited, wiki also notes “today it is known that absinthe does not cause hallucinations, especially ones similar to those described in 19th century studies. Thujone, the supposed active chemical in absinthe, is a GABA antagonist and, while it can produce muscle spasms in large doses, there is no evidence that it causes hallucinations. It has been speculated that reports of hallucinogenic effects of absinthe may have been due to poisonous chemicals being added to cheaper versions of the drink in the 19th century, to give it a more vivid colour.  However, the debate over whether absinthe produces effects on the human mind additional to those of alcohol has not been conclusively resolved. The effects of absinthe have been described by some artists as mind opening. The most commonly reported experience is a ‘clear-headed’ feeling of inebriation — a form of ‘lucid drunkenness’. Some modern specialists, such as chemist, historian and absinthe distiller Ted Breaux, claim that alleged secondary effects of absinthe may be caused by the fact that some of the herbal compounds in the drink act as stimulants, while others act as sedatives, creating an overall lucid effect of awakening.  Long term effects of low absinthe consumption in humans remain unknown, although it is known that the herbs contained in absinthe have both painkilling and antiparasitic properties.”  Obvious question arises is: why does the US government test for thujone in absinthe?  Answer: the same reason they still ban marijuana: because that’s what we’ve always done.  Like keeping down the black man.  This is ourrrrr country.

Festivus: December 23. Festivus was completely invented by the creators of the television show Seinfeld.  It was supposedly George Costanza’s father’s reaction to the commercial nature of Christmas, after he violently assaulted a man for a toy.  The festival is supposedly celebrated on December 23rd, although again, that kind of crams it in next to already established holidays like Christmas and New Year’s.  I would leave the possible other dates of celebration up to whoever.  For instance, you could put it around another holiday you don’t like.  Think the Fourth is a hyper-patriotic jingoistic parade?  Make it a Festivus!  Looking for an excuse to take off and watch the start of March Madness?  Call a celebration of Festivus!  Trying to figure out how to legitimately organize a hooker orgy?  Sounds like a job for the Festivus pole and the feats of strength!  My favorite part of this holiday is probably the airing of grievances.  Basically you give shit to everyone and anyone you know on how they piss you off to no end.  If you’re celebrating Festivus to protest a holiday, talk about how that particular holiday makes you want to vomit dead kittens.  A NCAA tournament Festivus?  Discuss why Duke’s basketball deserves a blowjob from the Saarlac pit and why Billy Packard has blown the lid of the doucebag quotient.  Best part is this could just turn into a Roast where everyone is the one being roasted.  And then you settle it all in the feats of strength, i.e. thunderdome.  Make sure to get a recording of the evening like George’s father did—the court may want evidence to support your lawsuit.

Talk Like a Pirate Day: September 19.  Pirates fucking rule.  Not those pussies from the Disney films, but people like Francis Drake who, by all accounts, was a complete asshole.  When he wasn’t slave-trading, pillaging and/or murdering innocents, he was rocking a date-rapist beard and wailing on the Spanish Armada.  Why would we want to emulate somebody like that?  Because everyone wants to be the guy you don’t fuck with, but nobody wants to be a complete dick all the time (if they do, they join a frat).  To talk like a nonsensical half-drunk (or completely drunk) sociopath for a day is good clean fun.  Doing that all the time makes you more toxic than Michael Richards or an English national hero who will one day return to defend England for her enemies and possibly dentists.

Steak and Blowjob Day: February 14.  This is pretty much a direct reaction to thinly veiled extortion of males called “Valentine’s Day”.  I don’t think a nice steak and a nicer bit of oral sex is too much to ask after we just dropped a cool grand on that tennis bracelet.  Just be glad we don’t replace this with “Malt Liquor and Cockslap Day”.  A few possible objections to this holiday that require clarification:

  • I don’t have a girlfriend/wife.  How do I celebrate this day? That’s what strip clubs are for.  I wonder what the mood in a strip club is on Valentine’s Day come to think of it.  Do they openly attack it?  I feel like they have to.  That’s gotta be somewhat awkward, “Hey losers, throw down some money to get blueballed instead of engaging in a meaningful real relationship.”  Unless you have a girlfriend/wife who loves strip clubs and wants to do that on Valentine’s Day (to show off the new tennis bracelet to Candi, Katrina, and Bubbles, of course).  Then you, sir, are an American hero.
  • I am a vegetarian/don’t eat red meat and thus would not get to enjoy the steak.  What are my options? Well, you probably also have a vagina, so you won’t enjoy the blow job either.  Just watch Oxygen with your life partner and talk about how there would be no war, pollution, or sweet fifty car pile-ups without men.  Then shovel some more sand into your snatch, you fucking woman.

Pi Day: March 14. Pi, Greek letter (), is the symbol for the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter. Pi = 3.1415926535… Pi Day is celebrated by math enthusiasts [read here: Asians] around the world.”  I don’t even know why someone would celebrate this sort of thing, excepting Darren Aronofsky.  But goddammit, we need to prime ourselves for St. Patrick’s Day (March 17th).  You can’t just go into a day like that cold.

My 25 Years on the Planet:

Upon recently marking a quarter century of life and failure, I have decided to note various things that occurred in the year I was born:

  • U.S. President Ronald Reagan proclaims 1983 “The Year of the Bible”.  He also called the Soviet Union an “evil empire”.  Feeling he is on a roll, the unstoppable Reagan makes his initial proposal to develop technology to intercept enemy missiles. The media dub this plan “Star Wars.”
  • The United States Environmental Protection Agency announces its intention to buy out and evacuate the dioxin-contaminated community of Times Beach, Missouri.
  • IBM releases the IBM PC XT.  You still had to wait until 1988 for Narc.
  • Michael Jackson performs the Moonwalk for the first time.  It will be an even bigger year for him than Reagan as months later the world famous music video for “Thriller” is broadcast for the first time.
  • The U.S Embassy is bombed in Beirut, killing 63 people.  At the time, John McCain captured the media spotlight, not long after he’d been elected to his first term in the House, when he voted against President Reagan’s decision to put American troops in Lebanon as part of a multinational “peacekeeping” force. One of 27 Republicans to break with the White House, the freshman McCain stated, “the fundamental question is: What is the United States’ interest in Lebanon? It is said we are there to keep the peace. I ask, what peace? It is said we are there to aid the government. I ask, what government? It is said we are there to stabilize the region. I ask, how can the U.S. presence stabilize the region?… The longer we stay in Lebanon, the harder it will be for us to leave. We will be trapped by the case we make for having our troops there in the first place. What can we expect if we withdraw from Lebanon? The same as will happen if we stay. I acknowledge that the level of fighting will increase if we leave. I regretfully acknowledge that many innocent civilians will be hurt. But I firmly believe this will happen in any event.”  McCain proved prescient, as a month later simultaneous suicide truck-bombings destroy both the French and the United States Marine Corps barracks in Beirut, killing 241 US servicemen, 58 French paratroopers and 6 Lebanese civilians.  25 years later, McCain is one of the most hawkish Senators in Congress and claimed to be willing to stay in Iraq for “100 years”.
  • The Nintendo Entertainment System goes on sale in Japan.
  • Tom Brokaw becomes lead anchor for NBC Nightly News.  I don’t remember Brokaw any younger than about 500 years old.  Brokaw also hates the fucking Knicks.
  • Hooters opens up in Clearwater, Florida.
  • United States troops invade Grenada.
  • Microsoft Word is first released.
  • Flashdance and Return of the Jedi are box-office hits.
  • Kellogg’s introduces Crispix cereal.
  • McDonald’s introduces the McNugget.
  • The De Lorean Motor Company ceases production.  Two years later, one would carry a pre-Parkinson’s Michael J. Fox to a 1950s America that existed only in Hollywood and in the minds of Republicans.




From the Wikipedia:

Bohemian Grove is an 2,700-acre (11 km²) campground located at 20601 Bohemian Avenue, in Monte Rio, California, belonging to a private San Francisco-based men’s art club known as the Bohemian Club. In mid-July each year, Bohemian Grove hosts a three-week encampment of some of the most powerful men in the world.”  This sounds like the lamest secret society in the history of mankind.

This Week’s Stephen Colbert’s Guitarmageddon Toss of the Gauntlet:

THE CLASSICS So it’s not guitar, but it could be Cellomageddon.  A bunch of Scandinavians (or something) rock out to “Final Countdown”:

Background music is ‘MY LITTLE ONE’ recorded by Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix, Dave Mason and Mitch Mitchell studio recording at the Olympic Studios in London on October 5, 1967.”

Double Black Diamond: Slash rocking a solo.  This would be Guns and Roses Slash, not guitar hero Slash:

For acoustic guitar fun: Pointlessly difficult: the Pulp Fiction theme on acoustic guitar as strummed by an egg beater.  It’s like a Rube Goldberg guitar solo:

If You Don’t Like This Video, I Don’t Like You:

Mascot Dance Off:

That Elephant (or whatever it was) was good, but could he take the Nittany Lion?



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