Football and ROCKETFUEL

Originally created 1/28/2008

It’s Crizappie

Visiting the Department of Motor Vehicles is like a view of the afterlife, not in the sense of unnatural bliss but rather of a way station on the road to the real destination.  The south city DMV is probably like most others.  In a strip mall by a major thoroughfare, it is a drab nondescript building.  There is only one room, filled partially with plastic chairs standing on an off-white tile surface.  The lighting is naturally cold as the long counter that separates the supposed patrons from the employees.  The number dispenser doles out the typically slow service from notably disinterested servers.

But everyone is in it together: brothers, Bosnians, and hoosiers.  No one gets exempted, not gets ahead.  The number one gets is the time one gets served.  Money doesn’t get you service (although connections may).  The DMV is egalitarian in the most direct sense; and socialistic in its most governmentally exquisite nature—the license to drive is not a right, they are quick to tell you, but a privilege bestowed on you by the government.

So for all those wishing to know what socialized medicine will look like, one only needs to visit the Department of Motor Vehicles on any given day.  Everyone is served equally poorly; the bureau makes little attempt at customer service (to what end?  As long as there are cars and drivers, there will be customers; just as in health care, as long as there are the sick, there will be customers).  This is the essence of socialism: everyone gets an equal share in a much, much smaller pie; though an additional lesson might be learned from such communist countries as the Soviet Union or North Korea—those with connections to the top of politics tend to be, in the words of George Orwell, more equal than the others.

Speaking of which, Hugo Chavez wants to do it to your mind: “With the inauguration of 15 new Bolivarian Schools, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez kicked off the 2007-2008 school year across the country this week. The president visited a primary and a secondary school where he announced the new Bolivarian education curriculum to which he said all schools in Venezuela, including private schools, will have to abide.”  Oh, and your hotels: “The landmark Caracas Hilton hotel was renamed the Alba on Saturday by President Hugo Chavez’s government, which owns the building and says it will now be a ‘socialist’ establishment, the state news agency reported.”

upside down house (coolest thing since city museum)

More of the perils of public service: “A senior Indian official died after being attacked by a flock of wild monkeys and then falling from a balcony at his home.”

The world’s shittiest mixtape:Vodpod videos no longer available.

“Go on! Kick him in the cobblers!” and other cockney slang.

The topic of the Iraq War, or American foreign policy in general, has been frequented by presidential candidates, pundits and preachers.  Much of what is written concerns whether or not the American side should be involved and to what extent as well as the consequential cost to the United States.  What has never been put forth in so many words is whether an Iraqi life should be protected to the extent that we would protect an American life.

In the United States proper, there are a myriad of “wars”, most notably the war on drugs.  If it is true that drug dealers are well armed (with gangs using military tactics and police shifting to more powerful weapons, one could hardly object), should the federal government not use the same tactics suppress them as they do with the so-called Iraqi insurgents?  Mass arrests, aerial bombings, raids, basically everything you see in this video (which is no longer on youtube; too bad, it was a barn burner).

One might retort that the war on drugs need not be prosecuted in such a way.  But that denies that dealers are not only well armed, but probably significantly better funded than the various sections of the Iraqi insurgency.  One only needs to examine Colombia’s battle with FARC to note such an eventuality where the guerillas/drug dealers are as well heeled as the government forces.  Might it only be a matter of time before something like that happens stateside?

Thus we must either come to one of several unsavory conclusions: (1) the war on drugs, well over 30 years old at this point, is not as important as the war on drugs although it affects many more millions of Americans; (2) an Iraqi citizen’s rights and life should not be protected to the extent of an American’s; (3) the war on drugs is overstated in terms of both its goals and its danger to US citizens and thus does not warrant the force or tactics assigned to the “war on terror”.

Moreover, if one accepts that, as in the global war on terror, the United States must “fight them over there to avoid fighting them over here”, the issue of Colombia and FARC demands a bigger presence by the US.  Without such a commitment, the US would, by the same logic as with terror, be giving in on the war on drugs.

As for not supporting the war is tantamount to not supporting the troops, who says the Army even supports its own troops? “Army Spc. Ruben Villalpando, who was featured in the Military Times coverage of the problems at Walter Reed, said that since the stories were published, contractors have fixed the elevator in Building 18 – the facility where troops on “medical hold” are housed – and have inspected each room to determine what needs to be fixed.  But more importantly to him, a Judge Advocate General lawyer looked at his case after he filed a complaint that he received no disability rating because his depression was ruled to have existed prior to his enlisting.”

Thousands of U.S. soldiers in Iraq — as many as 10 a day — are being discharged by the military for mental health reasons. But the Pentagon isn’t blaming the war. It says the soldiers had ‘pre-existing’ conditions that disqualify them for treatment by the government.  Many soldiers and Marines being discharged on this basis actually suffer from combat-related problems, experts say. But by classifying them as having a condition unrelated to the war, the Defense Department is able to quickly get rid of troops having trouble doing their work while also saving the expense of caring for them.  The result appears to be that many actually suffering from combat-related problems such as post-traumatic stress disorder or traumatic brain injuries don’t get the help they need.”

Booby trapping Iraqis: “US soldiers are luring Iraqis to their deaths by scattering military equipment on the ground as ‘bait’, and then shooting those who pick them up, it has been alleged at a court martial. The highly controversial tactic, which has hitherto been kept secret, is believed to have been responsible for the deaths of a number of Iraqis who were subsequently classified as enemy combatants and used in statistics to show the ‘success’ of the ‘surge’ in US forces.”

Giuliani is no hero.  This hit a lot harder when Rudy was the frontrunner.

Bitch I am God! This is the SPIRIT OF TRUTHVodpod videos no longer available.

“Bitch, I come in the name of Jesus!”

Banging Italians and killing people: this is what Clive Own does.

College Football: The BCS and Its Deficiencies.

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The final BCS rankings before the bowl games went like this:

  1. Ohio State
  2. LSU
  3. Virginia Tech
  4. Oklahoma
  5. Georgia
  6. Missouri
  7. USC
  8. Kansas

The undefeated Hawaii Warriors finished tenth in the standings and squeaked their way into a BCS bowl.  Now, not to rehash old gangbangs, but with college officials talking about a playoff mere days after a very unsatisfying end to the season (hint: OSU got romped by an SEC team again), let’s all gather ‘round the collegiate circle jerk table and project the winners had the year ended with an 8 team playoff instead of the clusterfuck of largely meaningless, but still remarkably profitable, bowls.  Bowl games—they’re the guitar hero of sports—oh you can play “One” by Metallica?  Wait, just on this retarded joystick?  That’s meaningless (support GUITARMAGEDDON!).

I cottoned to Sports Illustrated’s idea that the first round of the playoffs would take place at the higher seeded team’s home field in each matchup.  This would be a huge incentive not to slip below fourth, given how monstrous home field is for many college teams (this would also assume it would be as any home game with ticket priorities and such).  SI also put Hawaii into the 8th pole position and ousted Kansas, the reasoning being that an undefeated squad should get consideration over a one-loss team that didn’t even make it to its conference championship game.  I would also add a rule that if you finish 15th or higher and are undefeated, you are in (although that’s negotiable).  Also, your conference must have a championship to be considered in the voting—I’m looking in your direction Big Ten.  Also, memo to Notre Dame, Re: TPS reports—join a fucking conference; I’m fucking sick of this “exception” bullshit.  You, unlike your god, do not walk on water.  ANYWAY, even though KU made a strong performance against the Virginians in their bowl game, we are going only with pre-bowl though utilizing it to determine potential winners.

First Round:

Hawaii at Ohio State

Both these teams put some stank on their performances in their respective bowl games, but given the home field advantage and potential armed insurrection that would occur in middle Ohio if the Buckeyes lost, one has to go with OSU on this one.

Winner: OSU


Now here is potential Armageddon.  Both teams dominated their opponents in the bowls, so that’s no help.  But I give credit to LSU for beating a superior team; and they are the best team if they decide to show up.  Also, a home game at Death Valley cannot be discounted.

Winner: LSU

Missouri at VA Tech:

A snarky one since Mizzou violated their bowl opponent (Arkansas) and the Hokies lost to KU.  The x-factor is the game being played in Blacksburg.  But given that the Hokies lost to the very mediocre BC there in a game tailor made for Tech, I’ll give Mizzou the nod in this one.

Winner: Missouri

Georgia vs. Oklahoma:

Another game I would have called Armageddon had the bowl performances not been so wildly different.  The Sooners were the LSU of the Big Twelve, spanking some good teams with their bevy of talent but failing to show up against lesser opponents (Texas Tech and Colorado?).  They went the bitch route against VA Tech’s coal mining white trash neighbors and Georgia pummeled the decidedly inferior Hawaii, so the Bulldogs are moving on.

Winner: Georgia



What OSU’s testicles felt like in the morning.

The Quarterfinals

Ohio State vs. Georgia in the Fiesta Bowl

First of all, fuck the Rose Bowl.  From what I have heard, they are the major impediment to a playoff system.  Take your parade and run it up your ass, you Californian socialists.  To the matter at hand, OSU has no fucking shot here because they’ve consistently taken it in the tits from the SEC the last two years and they’re on  neutral turf.

Winner: Georgia

LSU vs. Missouri in the Orange Bowl:

Although Missouri wrecked a fellow SEC team that beat LSU, I can’t see Missouri, who lost to Oklahoma twice by convincing margins, beating LSU.  This is the biggest tossup besides LSU-USC, but I’d have to go with LSU in this one.

Winner: LSU


LSU vs. Georgia in the Sugar Bowl sponsored by “Pour Some Sugar on Me

Ugh, an all SEC championship.  Just what we need to give the South the impression they will rise again.  Who knows in this game.  Georgia lost to Tennessee and LSU beat the Volunteers even though they half-assed it, so we’re gonna have to break the bottle (break it up) on LSU.

Winner: Lousiana State University

And thus, we wind up with the same champion as the current BCS system and another year of dealing with these fuckheads.  What does this tell us?  Although playoffs may indeed lead to the identical champion, it’s a lot more fun getting there (especially given the LSU-USC tossup).

Alan Greenspan shills for the gold standard in the long ago time:  “In the absence of the gold standard, there is no way to protect savings from confiscation through inflation. There is no safe store of value. If there were, the government would have to make its holding illegal, as was done in the case of gold. If everyone decided, for example, to convert all his bank deposits to silver or copper or any other good, and thereafter declined to accept checks as payment for goods, bank deposits would lose their purchasing power and government-created bank credit would be worthless as a claim on goods.” The financial policy of the ever-expanding state requires that there be no way for the owners of wealth to protect themselves.  Dr. Greenspan became more mad scientist than scourge of the etatist during his stint at the Fed, but is he getting back to his roots?

Carl seems to have forgiven Eli Manning for has past transgressions.  Lawrence Tynes is still on death watch.

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When the NFL fails you miserably, what recourse do you have?  I am increasingly becoming swayed by the argument that the bye week between the conference championships and the super bowl is fucking retarded.  “The buzz is supposed to build and injuries to heal!”  Fuck that, this is like taking a break while on a bender.  You start to get whoozy before realizing it’s three in the afternoon and you’re going to be hungover by five if you don’t get back on the trolley.  So the light bulb of disaster goes off in your addled brain and you think, “I’d be shitty and sick and it’s five for one tacos at Jimmy’s Mexi-shack!  That would suck!  I should start mainlining Robotussin!”  Thus, given that there are no games this weekend (a fact Big Daddy Drew is none too happy about), we’re going to speculate about these playoffs and the Super Bowl beyond.

I’ve spoken of the theoretical “Run Gun” game before but we’re going to saunter into territory unknown today.  Starting a hypothetical RunGun league would probably entail about eight teams.  The idea is to get fairly large markets with little or no competition from the NFL.  So here’s the obvious two:

  1. The Hollywood Hulk Hogans (Los Angeles) – Hulk isn’t doing anything since Three Ninja: High Noon at Mega Mountain, so he’ll be free for this venture.
  2. The Las Vegas Goulets – sadly, Robert Goulet died last year, but this is nothing Will Ferrell couldn’t take over:

From there, it gets a bit trickier.  We’ll go with cities that are big enough for the NFL and RunGun:

  1. Coney Island Warriors (New York) – although I would also have this as an NBADL team, who wouldn’t want to root for the Warriors?  Come out and play.  [Note this is the second time, I’ve referred to this movie in OBR].
  1. The Chicago LSD – that’s Lake Shore Drive for you heathens out there.

Then you’ve got find four more teams that don’t have too much of a college or NFL following:

  1. Hartford Whalers – who couldn’t be sadder that Connecticut lost its only professional sports team?  That will change and PETA be damned.  Besides Hartford?  The Whale?  They only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime.
  2. Des Moines Flying Monks – Des Moines means “of the monks” in French.  For their pregame, they could just play the entire scene from Holy Grail involving the French.  This would be their jersey.
  3. St. Louis Empyre – after the Rams blew their dynasty this should be a shoo-in.
  4. The Albequerque Bugs – bugs bunny always was trying to get there, it’s time he finally arrived.  I would have used “isotopes”, but that was taken.

Welcome to America, rabbit!  First lesson is “FUCK YOU”!

Naturally, I would imagine a four team playoff, however, the fourth team, given RunGun’s bifurcated structure of offense and defense, would be a true wildcard—namely the best defense and best offense of the remaining five teams.  That is, whoever ranked the highest in offense and defense, forms one team as the wild card.

So what if the NFL worked this way – who would have been the wildcards this year?  In the AFC, Tennessee, as the lowest seed and record, would be in the potential wild card pool while Pittsburg, Jacksonville, San Diego, Indy and New England would be in as their regular teams.  We determine the best offense and defense using the combined z-scores for yards per game and points per game.  Using this stat, the Cleveland Browns and Derek “Horse Balls” Anderson best all takers on offense, coming in at #7 in the NFL as a whole.  On the NFC side, Washington is included in the field for the wild card while Green Bay, Dallas, Seattle, New York, and Tampa are in the playoffs as a whole.  That means the New Orleans’ offense is your winner at #6 barely beating out Arizona.  On defense, Cleveland’s offense would be teaming up with playoff contender Tennessee’s defense, which came in at #8, while the Drew Brees and his BirthMark Prophecy will be in league with Philadelphia Eagles d, coming in at #9.

Speaking of the Super Bowl, I am going to guarantee it now: I WILL BUY THE SUPER BOWL MVP’S JERSEY IF THE GIANTS WIN AND GIVE IT AWAY IN NEW YORK CITY.  This is how much I hate the Patriots—I’m seriously considering buying a New York team’s jersey.

As for the commercials during football games, many have commented on this fact but the ads are usually geared towards erectile dysfunction, beer and investing.  So basically, I need a top gun stock portfolio (which ain’t happening lately) combined with beer goggles and an unholy hardon in order to roger my wife’s wrinkled, half-a-century old vagina.  I think Patton Oswalt put this all into perspective:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

That being said, the idea of younger fellas taking Viagra or cialis in order to go for a sexual congress filibuster is something I can get behind.  Because there’s nothing I want more than my manstaff to become chaffed and raw from pounding a disinterested vagina for the better part of a cricket game and finally turning into something resembling the things from Slither.


This Week’s Stephen Colbert’s Guitarmageddon Toss of the Gauntlet:

THE CLASSICS, Metallica’s “One”.  One is an antiwar song I’ve already mentioned here.  The movie clips are from Dalton Trumbo’s Johnny Got His Gun:

Obligatory Jimi Hendrix Riff – “Hey Joe”, live and in jive.  The last feature was another remake by Hendrix, Dylan’s “All Along the Watchtower”:

Double Black Diamond: Joe Satriani is decked out in leather and he definitely wears his sunglasses at night.  All the shred, all the time with Satch:

For acoustic guitar fun: Led Zeppelin bassist John Paul Jones defies nature by playing a three-necked acoustic guitar.  I’m still holding out for the electric keytar/acoustic guitar combo:


This If You Don’t Like This Video, I Don’t Like You:

Mike Tyson’s Brunch Out:Vodpod videos no longer available.


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