If the Magic drop this one, it’s time to FUCKING ENOUGH ALREADY
Friends and neighbors, it’s an NBA Live Blog! Ironically enough, my first post-undergrad rant was just such a live blog about four years ago, so it seems fitting enough that one of my first posts on the revamped website would be as such. Hopefully Orlando puts up a fight tonight at home, although they came as close as possible to evening this series in Game 2. The Magic shot better than Game 1 (none too difficult task) hitting over 40% from the field but remained tepid from 3 point land, going 33%. Which is fine, unless you haul up 30 threes. Orlando lives by bombing and hammering teams will to live with Howard, and to an increasing extent, Marcin Gortat. Sidenote: I feel like Tony Battie should get tasered every time he launches an ill-advised jumper; YOU’RE THE LAST PERSON THE MAGIC WANT TO SHOOT. Lamar Odom continues to look good, posting a line of 8-9 from the field for 19 points, 8 rebounds, 2 assists, 1 steal, and 3 blocks. The Black Mamba has adjusted, inexplicably leading the Lakers last game with 8 assists; dogs and cats were seen fucking on the sidelines.
(7:46:28 PM): We’re interviewing rashard lewis. He looks like a kid forced to do improv and trying to rush through as quickly as possible and there’s a animated hamster ad, which i think was for a movie called g-force.
(7:50:23 PM): Oh face plant in ABC’s the superstars. It’s going to have some stiff competition from FOX’s “Torture Fest”
(7:51:32 PM): Pau Gasol is talking and I’m waiting for something racist to fly out.
(7:52:15 PM): Mike Wilbon likes Orlando in this game. Orlando is now doomed. I mean the entire fucking city, not just the team.
(7:57:04 PM): 7 year old autistic kid doing the national anthem for the Magic. They’ve apparently never lost when she sings. I was just sort of disappointed she didn’t inexplicably launch into Mr. Big halfway through.
(7:59:14 PM): A recorded Rashard Lewis wants you to know its playoff time. Oh shit, they brought out Nick Anderson? Isn’t that like the Red Sox dragging out Buckner before every World Series game.
(7:59:50 PM): I think the Philly Fanatic just descended from the ceiling, except its wearing a cap. What the fuck is that? Wait, distracted by cheerleader tits…
(8:01:09 PM): They introduce Rafer Alston by his actual name? How dare they. He is “Skip to My Lou”, now and forever.
(8:06:41 PM): Tiger Woods in the audience! Does he ever not wear a hat? One time, I want him to come out with a Tupac era bandana and bunch of tattoos.
(8:07:57 PM): Tagline for a local car dealership: “Where everybody rides”. Probably not a good idea to put that up when your 8 year old daughter is in the commercial.
(8:11:43 PM): Skip to my Lou just whipped the ball into the stands. Magic missed first 3 threes and Howard just goal-tended. Less than stellar beginning for the Magic, although Bynum just helmeted one off the backboard.
(8:14:38 PM): After a shaky start, Magic seem back in the game down by one. Ariza is bricking wide open threes or Orlando would be in trouble.
(8:18:27 PM): STML hitting some jump shots though, and Kobe responds with a jump shot. Kobe has been quiet thus far; and he promptly drains a three. Mark Jackson says that Courtney Lee has to “close that airspace”, perhaps with a sidewinder missile.
(8:18:46 PM): At first commercial break, halfway through first, its the Lakers by 4.
(8:20:51 PM): Apparently the aforementioned G-Force is “Jerry Bruckheimer’s first 3-D movie”; that’s like an old hooker saying “for the first time with whipped cream on my tits”!
(8:24:17 PM): We now have an inexplicable interview with Stan van Gundy’s father. I think the interviewer questioned his parenting skills. I don’t know what the fuck she was talking about though, SvG is a legend in the pornography industry.
(8:25:19 PM): STML hits a three to keep Orlando within two while Black Mamba whips a shot over his head, fishing for the foul. Hedo ties the game at the other end.
(8:26:47 PM): Mamba drains one in the post while the Magic continue to brick threes. This does not portend well.
(8:28:02 PM): I love these GM commercials. “There was a time when 8 different brands made sense.” There was a time when in everyone’s life when sticking your finger in the light socket seemed like a fantastic idea.
(8:30:17 PM): And Tony Battie tells me to shove up it up my ass.
(8:31:44 PM): Mamba looking good so far, keeps Lakers ahead. Other van Gundy claims “those are impossible plays.” IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING. Another jumper for BM, he’s 6-7 already. Howard draws number 2 on Gasol.
(8:34:52 PM): Tony Battie just burned Kobe’s house down, BM seems incredulous. Promptly gets fouled by Pietrus on the 3, after Mikael bit on the shot fake. Snarky by the Mamba.
(8:37:02 PM): Orlando looking for the last shot and Hedo travels. The Machine just checked in for LA; this guy looks like Russell Brand’s sidekick. The Mamba misses a jumper to end the first, but the Lakers lead 31-27. Close game at this point, but so was Game 1 after one.
(8:40:56 PM): And Kobe/Lebron puppet commercials continue. I want one where Lebron’s puppet gets caught wearing a Brooklyn Nets jersey at Jay Z’s house by Cleveland’s GM.
(8:42:18 PM): The Machine heaves up a retard shot and then commits a foul at the other end. Mamba’s on the bench, looking pissed off and probably talking about fucking the Machine’s wife. SASCHA IS THE MACHINE THAT KILLS.
(8:43:14 PM): Luke Walton and Lamar Bongwater make a pretty move as almost all Laker starters are out. Although if you can get Odom off the bench, you’ve got a pretty stacked team.
(8:44:21 PM): Jameer Nelson is in the game and is called for traveling. Hedo also on the sideline now looking like he took too many vodka shots at the break. Nelson comes back with a jumper though and we’ve got a 3 point game.
(8:47:54 PM): Dwight Howard’s favorite movies: “Menace II Society”, “Friday” and “Finding Nemo”. Little known fact: Nemo was an allegory for the race riots. Alley oop to Superfriends makes it a 2 point game until Farmar finally hits an open three.
(8:48:54 PM): Hedo drops a three at the other end. Magic are shooting a high percentage but can’t seem to get or hold a lead. Bynum throws up an air ball. Magic shooting 76% but Lakers up 41-39.
(8:54:07 PM): Pietrus ties the game coming back from break; Gortat has entered the game. Mamba drills a three; he’s ass-fucking it tonight. Pietrus vomits up crap shot but Mamba throws an ugly pass and Pietrus dunks on the fast break. Refs missed about eight calls on that transition.
(8:57:32 PM): Hedo “The Gracelss One” coaxes a lay up in. Pietrus clearly doubled-dribbled on that dunk. Lakers by one as we get more commercials and some wisdom from Marc Jackson: “You know the rule: hand down, man down.” Jeff van Gundy mutters “what the fuck” in the background. Little does he know that Jackson yells that at his penis to keep from masturbating excessively.
(8:58:30 PM): Coach K is at the game tonight. 50-50 that JJ Reddick snapped him off before the game.
(9:00:53 PM): Ariza stumbles drunken-monkey style through the lane for the turnover. STML with the layup and the Magic up by one.
(9:01:47 PM): Mamba with a nice pass. Jackson wouldn’t mind fellating him right now.
(9:03:12 PM): Kill Bill feels like he’s a much better player than he was last year, according to Jackson. Mamba naturally misses his first shot in three hours. Skip to my Lou’s luck ends as he rams a jumper off the side of the backboard. Magic by one with about three minutes to go.
(9:10:03 PM): Lamar Odom draws a charge, jump cut to SvG doing his folding his arms while scrunching his body and feeling his man-tits. That signals consternation! Pietrus out, Lee back in. Shard drains a three to put Magic up by two.
(9:11:52 PM): Mamba rejected by Superfriends. Why bother saying “largest lead of the half” when that lead is “three”? True, but tells us little, other than that the announcer is a tool.
(9:15:21 PM): Orlando shooting a blistering 75% from the field but only up by 5 at the end of the first half, ORL 59 – LA 54. Black Mamba has 21.
(9:39:57 PM): Slick hook to start the Lakers off in the 3rd. Howard assaulted on a sharp entry pass, some entertaining free throws coming…and he’s building a house!
(9:42:18 PM): Gasol another good shot off the spin. Great ball movement by the Magic and C-Lee takes the baseline and facials.
(9:43:49 PM): C-Lee directly goes full retard, fouling Mamba on a wild shot five feet behind the three point line. BM misses the first two free throws.
(9:45:20 PM): And Marc Jackson makes a twitter joke! Possibly the only thing more played out than twitter itself. It’s sad, because it’s like Jay Leno making fun of “the rap music” ten years ago.
(9:47:48 PM): Ariza bombs and the Lakers are down by one, but Shard and his pharoah goatee fingeroll in. Mamba tagged for the offensive foul on a weak call while Howard bricks one at the other end. Wild possession by the Lakers and Orlando’s maintains a three point lead into a Harry Potter teaser.
(9:50:15 PM): Some old wizard just said, “Once again, I must ask too much of you, Harry.” Is this Harry Potter or Doubt?
(9:52:12 PM): Caught Jeff van Gundy saying something about putting “whatever into your body that makes you feel good”. That can’t be right.
(9:55:16 PM): Bongwater livid on a foul call for the shot by Superfriends, who sinks both free throws. Mamba yet again burns C-Lee on the shot fake.
(9:57:29 PM): Skip to my Fucking Lou getting snarky with a spin and a shamgod for lay up but jacks up an ugly shot then Gasol gets the A-O on Superfriends laziness. THE MACHINE WILL NOT TOLERATE SLOTH. Orlando 73, Lakers 69.
(10:01:21 PM): We just had a highlight to auto tune sponsored by KIA motors. Nothing about that didn’t encourage me to kill.
(10:05:23 PM): Mamba with a three bomb to cut it to three
(10:07:07 PM): Another questionable call on the out of bounds possession. Tony Battie strangely a force in this game, beautiful running hook by HowPow
(10:08:20 PM): Mamba clangs a jump shot to end the 3rd, Magic up 77-71.
(10:12:07 PM): what is the difference in this game, coach Stan van Jeremy? “We’re making some fucking shots. I want to feel your sugar pie walls, Leslie. Wait, I’m sorry, I forgot where I was for a second.”
(10:12:26 PM): Tony Battie is making me look like an asshole. Also, my assholic comments are doing that as well.
(10:14:13 PM): Ariza, Farmar, Bongwater, Walton, and Gasol for the Lakers. Hedo, Battie, HowPow, STML, Nelson.
(10:14:49 PM): Bongwater with a nasty block on Gortat and beauty spin move on the other end. JvG says Hedo is a “legit 6-10”; not like that fucking fraud Odom.
(10:16:15 PM): Pietrus makes an insane, ill-advised fallaway. GIVE THE BALL TO ODOM! Farmar makes me look like an ass while Ariza tackles Hedo on the flip.
(10:19:21 PM): Dear Taco Bell: if you’re eating grilled chicken burritos everyday as your commercial suggets, your ass is going to be made of flames by month’s end and your heart will struggle to pump enough blood to keep you conscious.
(10:20:21 PM): Orlando now 66% from the dish. Shard proves the point with a tough runner.
(10:22:16 PM): Mike Breen talks about how great the last play in regulation in the previous game could have been *head slams onto table*. HowPow is a force inside while Farmar is draining jumpers. Orlando by 7 while Hedo misses everything except the bottom of backboard.
(10:23:33 PM): Refs miss a call on possession. Odom wants it all, who seems like he should be one of the great players of his generation.
(10:24:29 PM): Pietrus with a steal on a Farmar rebound off a missed Laker free throw and then a brilliant teardrop by MP. Ariza dumps a three to bring it to 5.
(10:30:31 PM): Illegal screen on Superfriends. Since when have they called that in the NBA? Gasol makes it a 3 point game while MP bricks a jumper but Superfriends gets fouled on the board and gets both free throws.
(10:31:55 PM): FISCHER WITH A THREE. Man, this happens every year with that guy. Lakers haven’t missed a shot in the fourth and its a 2 point game while MP gets fouled trying to dunk, sinks both FTs.
(10:32:45 PM): Odom dominates Hedo, who draws the foul on a shot fake on the return.
(10:34:36 PM): Great steal by Odom on a lazy MP entry pass, Mamba converts to make it two points. Another shitty pass by the Magic but bailed out by a wild BM.
(10:36:51 PM): With 2:41 left, Gasol draws the foul to get some tying free throws. Of course, we’re going to commercial to learn about pedophile wizards, giant robots and subpar autombiles.
(10:40:49 PM): Marc Jackson: “Here’s what I like, [Kobe] talking to each player, telling them what he wants them to do.” Muderous glint in his eye, threatening to hurt their families if they fail. True competitor. And Mamba can’t hit a three to take the lead. STML draws the foul.
(10:41:14 PM): Pietrus with a put back dunk that very close to a violation.
(10:42:27 PM): Marc Jackson: “Rafer Alston has earned the right to finish off this ball game, not with his mouth but with his play.” Yes, luckily he didn’t have to swallow Stan van Jeremy to get back in.
(10:42:45 PM): Gasol into the cup, Lakers down by 1.
(10:45:06 PM): Shard for a deep 2-pointer; very close to a three. Refs review it while we to see a video game that BREAKS ALL THE RULES. Apparently by blowing shit up; what video game doesn’t do that? It’s entitled Red Faction: Guerrilla. Woooo, communist insurgency! Does anyone think in 30 years, we’ll have Muslim fundamentalist insurgency video games? I mean, granted one of the Rambo movies had that…
(10:45:37 PM): 1:06 left, Magic by 3
(10:47:12 PM): Weak call on Superfriends on the Mamba drive; and BM misses the free throw, makes the second and kills Farmar in disgust.
(10:47:46 PM): Wow, it’s an actual movie. Johnny Depp, Christian Bale and directed by Michael Mann. Still, I feel like this is going to disappoint me.
(10:48:24 PM): Orlando by 2, their ball, minute to go.
(10:51:30 PM): Brilliant block on Shard by Odom. Mamba attempts to split the D at the other end but coughs the ball up to Pietrus on the HowPow rip. Pietrus is fouled and sinks both motherfucking free throws.
(10:52:38 PM): A fan in the stands appears to be confused, doing the gator chop. TEEBOOWW!
(10:53:59 PM): Orlando up by 4 with 28 seconds left. BM bricks a three but Odom saves the ball somehow. Timeout. Let’s do it again.
(10:57:09 PM): Lakers brick all three 3 points they haul off, finally settle for a two with 0.2 of second left. This game should be over, but confetti is all over the place because for some reason, they drop confetti in Orlando if you win ONE GAME in the NBA Finals. This is why they should have just sacrificed Nick Anderson to appease past demons.
(10:59:50 PM): Jeff van Gundy congratulates the Lakers for not mailing in this game like other game threes. NBA: where lowered expectations happen. Shard hits both FTs and win, we’ve got ourselves a series. Hell of a game, let’s hope we get another.