Line O’ the Day:
Ryan: Oh, people. People, people, people. This is the 40th Thanksgiving dinner I’ve crashed today. AND I’M JUST GETTING WARMED UP! Are you gone eat that cranberry sauce on the floor? Because nothing fires up Coach Ryan’s engine like floorsauce!
Pa: Coach Ryan, would you like to have a seat?
Ryan: CAN’T DO IT! You sit down to eat and you end up eating too slow! Now, first order of business: nicknames. Ma, your new nickname is Honeybasket. Pa, your new name is Shitfist. Bobby, your new name is ROBERTO HUMIDOR. Because Bobby is a faggot name! And Timmy, your new nickname is CATAPULT.
Bobby: Why can’t I be Catapult?
Ryan: BECAUSE YOU’RE ROBERTO HUMIDOR! Now, men. And woman. But mostly men. I couldn’t help but notice when I was staring out your window that your family is dysfunctional. Am I right?
Pa: Well, we…
Ryan: FUCKIN’ COCKJETS, I AM RIGHT! Now, I know all about dysfunctional families, men. I know because my team is dysfunctional. Look at us. We’re 4-6. We SUCK. Fucking Taco won’t stop throwing picks!
(drinks gravy out of boat with a straw)
Ryan: But you can’t let that get you down! Men, I’m here to let you in on a secret. Winning doesn’t matter.
Timmy: But Pa said winning…
Ryan: SHITFIST DON’T ALWAYS KNOW BEST!
– A Very Special Thanksgiving with a Very Special Guest [Big Daddy Drew via KSK]
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