Roundup – Return of the Question

Line O’ the Day:

I covered this in a Jamboroo ages ago, but it bears discussing again, because to me, it’s one of the great unsolved mysteries of life. I contend that, should God and heaven exist, they should be able to answer all your questions about that shit when you die, just like in the Heaven’s Database SNL sketch. Like, you die, and then you go up to heaven, and God knows PRECISELY which girls in your life would have had sex with you if you had simply gone for it. There have to be a couple surprises in there (Aunt Rita?). You should also be able to watch an instant replay of any of these women fantasizing about you, AND you should be able to see the vision they had in their heads of banging you like crazy. All of that needs to be included in the Heaven package (including DVR playback of all your actual sexual conquests), or else I’m not going. Not that I was, anyway.

“Because this is the kind of shit that will bug a man FOR LIFE. Did I really have a chance with that one girl, or was I wasting my time? Whoa hey, you mean THAT CHICK would have had sex with me? Get the fuck out! HOLY SHIT. If only I had known…

“Because women are so good at disguising their lust. Men are horrible at this. If we see a woman we want to have sex with, we stare at their tits and drool and stutter and all that. We wear our lust on our sleeves. But women will keep that unspoken desire hidden for fucking ever. You’ll never know that Lisa P was into you. And that’s the agony of being a man.” – Big Daddy Drew, Verizon Chick, Revealed!  Your Open Mailbag Tuesday [Deadspin]

Best of the Best:

The Remains:


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