Line O’ the Day:
Ryan: Oh, men. Oh, men. Men, took a shit this morning that had me blocked up like the goddamned Holland Tunnel. Soon as that turd got halfway out, it sat there in the pocket like a fucking rookie. And I had to figure out whether or not to dig that fucker out, or have faith in it to get me out of a jam. And sure as shit, forty minutes later that turd dropped. That’s you, Nacho. You are that green turd that needs a little more patience than I usually have.
Sex Cannon: I had that happen to me once when I was taking a dump on a freshman.
Ryan: Is that right?
Sanchez: Don’t listen to him, Coach. He’s not even supposed to be here.
Sex Cannon: I guess I just like violating things. Do you like violating things, Coach?
Ryan: You know I do.
Sex Cannon: I bet you and I could do some violating together, you know. You know I throw like I fuck, right?
Ryan: Let’s see it, buster.
Sex Cannon: All right.
(throws the ball seventy yards, gets intercepted by an overturned traffic cone)
Sex Cannon: HOW YOU LIKE THAT?
Ryan: Goddamn, that was impressive! You see that, Nacho?
Sex Cannon: AGAIN!
(throws the ball into the mouth of a homeless child)
Sex Cannon: BINGO BANGO! DOUBLE BONUS!
– Big Daddy Drew, The Last Temptation Of Rex [KSK]
Best of the Best:
Running For Three Yards Is Like Going Backwards [Brian Burke on Advanced NFL Stats via Deadspin]
Running has its purpose and is an essential part of every effective offense. It’s needed to constrain defenses, to keep them guessing, and to set up play-action passes. It’s necessary in short yardage, and it’s actually underused in the red zone, where pass defenses have less real estate to cover and throwing is thus more difficult. Running is also needed to run out the clock and minimize the chance of turnovers when the offense is trying to hold a lead. Even so, today’s affinity for smashmouth, slobberknocking football is irrational. It’s not 1977 anymore, and running the ball for nostalgia’s sake is counterproductive. Underdogs need high variance plays to win, and downfield passing is all about high variance—big risks with bigger rewards. In contrast, running is low variance. Teams that are strong in all phases of the game have the luxury of running the ball. Fans and commentators see strong teams run the ball often and think it’s the running that causes the winning, when it’s really the other way around. Even when teams are better at running than they are at passing, they’re trapped in a paradox. Unless your team has an all-world defense, you’ll eventually end up trailing. Incomplete passes or short runs on either first or second down typically lead to third-and-long situations, requiring a pass. The worse an offense is at passing, then, the more often they’ll need to do it, and the more they’re forced to play to their weakness.
Dan Lozano: Albert Pujols’s Superagent, “King Of Sleaze Mountain” [Barry Petchesky on Deadspin]
Lozano told USA Today that the allegations against him are the product of jealous agents whom he’s beaten out for the biggest names in the game. That doesn’t mean the claims are lies, or that they can’t be verified by people familiar with his past. Among the people who were willing to discuss their experiences with Lozano, there was anger that he’d been able to get away with his tactics for so long without repercussions. But there was also pity and a sense that everything got away from Dan Lozano long ago, and the life he’s living is no longer the one he wanted, but one that requires more lies to keep it going. For an agent, it’s possible to keep up a life like that indefinitely—at least until somebody decides it’s time to take you down.
Bulging Jails Are Other American Exception [Albert Hunt on Bloomberg]
There are 2.3 million people behind bars, almost one in every 100 Americans. The federal prison population has more than doubled over the past 15 years, and one in nine black children has a parent in jail. Proportionally, the U.S. has four times as many prisoners as Israel, six times more than Canada or China, eight times more than Germany and 13 times more than Japan. With just a little more than 4 percent of the world’s population, the U.S. accounts for a quarter of the planet’s prisoners, and has more inmates than the leading 35 European countries combined. Almost all the other nations with high per capita prison rates are in the developing world. There’s also a national election in America soon. This issue isn’t on the agenda. It’s almost never come up with Republican presidential candidates; one of the few exceptions was a debate in September when the audience cheered the governor of Texas, Rick Perry, because his state has carried out a record number of executions. Barack Obama, the first black president, rarely mentions this question or how it disproportionately affects minorities. More than 60 percent of America’s prisoners are black or Hispanic, though these groups comprise less than 30 percent of the population.
Bloomberg’s Long War Against Protests [Ben Adler on The Atlantic Cities]
In the wake of September 11, the NYPD put together an impressive, sophisticated operation to prevent terrorist attacks. But critics worry that the city is incapable of distinguishing democratic dissent from legitimate threats. Police habitually interrogated protesters they arrested about past protest activities until it was exposed that they were doing so, and they still monitor protests with a heavy hand.”The NYPD is engaged in massive surveillance, they videotape every demonstration,” says Donna Lieberman, executive director of the New York Civil Liberties Union. “They did it at the RNC and they do it at Occupy Wall Street.” Despite Bloomberg’s socially liberal views on issues from immigration to abortion and gay marriage, he is no civil libertarian. “When Bloomberg started as mayor, the first thing he did was disband the Decency Commission, a Giuliani legacy that censored art,” recalls Lieberman. “We thought, ‘Wow, this would be a different era.'” But after Bloomberg’s response to anti-war demonstrations, they knew better. “He’s not Giuliani, but he’s not the great champion of protest rights that he would claim,” says Lieberman.
How Paulson Gave Hedge Funds Advance Word of Fannie Mae Rescue [Richard Teitelbaum on Bloomberg]
After a perfunctory discussion of the market turmoil, the fund manager says, the discussion turned to Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Paulson said he had erred by not punishing Bear Stearns shareholders more severely. The secretary, then 62, went on to describe a possible scenario for placing Fannie and Freddie into “conservatorship” — a government seizure designed to allow the firms to continue operations despite heavy losses in the mortgage markets. Paulson explained that under this scenario, the common stock of the two government-sponsored enterprises, or GSEs, would be effectively wiped out. So too would the various classes of preferred stock, he said. The fund manager says he was shocked that Paulson would furnish such specific information — to his mind, leaving little doubt that the Treasury Department would carry out the plan. The managers attending the meeting were thus given a choice opportunity to trade on that information.
Book Notes: Steve Jobs Blasted Teachers’ Unions, Planned Digital Textbook Feature for iPad [Walter Issacson via Anthony Rebora on Teaching Now via Education Week]
Jobs also attacked America’s education system, saying that it was hopelessly antiquated and crippled by union work rules. Until the teachers’ unions were broken, there was almost no hope for education reform. Teachers should be treated as professionals, he said, not as industrial assembly-line workers. Principals should be able to hire and fire them based on how good they were. Schools should be staying open until at least 6 p.m. and be in session eleven months of the year. It was absurd, he added, that American classrooms were still based on teachers standing at a board and using textbooks. All books, learning materials, and assessments should be digital and interactive, tailored to each student and providing feedback in real time.
Curiously Strong Remains:
- That List Of “Words You Can’t Text In Pakistan” Is Actually The List Of Things You Can’t Put On NFL Jerseys [Emma Carmichael on Deadspin]
- Leave Sasha Grey Alone! [The Cajun Boy on Uproxx]
- A Guide To Determining Your Stance On Tim Tebow [Big Daddy Drew on Deadspin]
- Prospecting For Whatever Makes The 49ers Good [Josh Levin on Slate via Deadspin]
- How Tupac Dealt With A Jewelry Thief On The Set Of “Juice” [J. Tinsley on The Smoking Section]
- Knicks Sued by Cuttino Mobley Over Disability Claim That Ended NBA Career [Bloomberg]
- As Rivals Slip, Gingrich Finds Traction [Wall Street Journal]
- Clinton Motorcade Pelted With Rocks, Eggs [Bloomberg]
- The $200,000-a-Year Mine Worker: Resources Boom Fuels Demand for Underground Labor, Spurs Skyrocketing Pay; a $1,200 Chihuahua [John W. Miller on The Wall Street Journal]
- Wall Street Protesters Evicted From Camp [Wall Street Journal]
- U.S. Marines to Be Stationed in Australia Under Obama-Gillard Defense Pact [Bloomberg]
- Penn State May Seek Public Shield After Years of Claiming Private Status [Bloomberg]
- Sino-Forest’s Martin Faces ‘Herculean’ Task After Ponzi Scheme Allegation [Simon Casey and Christopher Donville on Bloomberg]
- Suspect Arrested in White House Shooting Case [Wall Street Journal]
- Berlin Will Return Paintings to Auschwitz Victim’s Heir [Bloomberg]
- Rambus Loses Antitrust Case [Wall Street Journal]
- Case Puts Focus on Grand-Jury Quirk [Wall Street Journal]
- Protesters Clash With Police: Several Hundred Arrested Around U.S. on Movement’s Two-Month Anniversary [Wall Street Journal]
- Old U.S. Foe Proves Useful in Asia [Wall Street Journal]
- ‘Willing Vassals’ in Congress Do Lobbyist Bidding [Jack Abramoff via Bloomberg]
- An Aussie Who Rules at Football: LSU’s Wing Bedevils Opponents With Unorthodox, Unreturnable Punts [Wall Street Journal]
- Birth Rate Continues to Slide Among Teens [Wall Street Journal]
- Deciphering Michael Crichton’s Clues: A giant challenge in finishing the late author’s ‘Micro’: fragmentary notes about tiny robots and killer bugs [Alexandra Alter on The Wall Street Journal]
- Islam Offers a Third Way in Pakistan and Tunisia [Pankja Mishra on Bloomberg]
- Standoff at U.S. Airbase in Iraq [Wall Street Journal]
- U.S. General Defends Afghanistan Night Raids [Wall Street Journal]
- Gingrich: Republican front-runner running behind [Reuters]
- Fullerton officer accused in Kelly Thomas killing will keep pension [Los Angeles Times]
- Using a credit card induces euphoria, new research shows [Bob Sullivan on Red Tape Chronicles via MSNBC]
- The 32 Rules of Thanksgiving Touch Football [Jason Gay on The Wall Street Journal]
- Most 2-Year Students Quit [Wall Street Journal]
- Syphilis Cases Climb 36% in U.S., Prompting Call for More Frequent Testing [Bloomberg]
- Sale of Pension Income Targeted by Senator [Wall Street Journal]
- Obama’s Job Approval Drops Below Carter’s [US News] and Presidential Job Approval Center [Gallup]
- Ron Paul Smacks Bob Schieffer on Face The Nation [Mish’s Global Economic Analysis]
- Whistle-Blowers Seek SEC Bounties at a Rate of Seven per Day [Bloomberg]
- Wayne Gretzky’s Daughter Will No Longer Be Posting Boobsy Photos Of Herself And Her Friends On Twitter [Deadspin]
- The Four Types Of Lies In Pro Football [Jeremy Stahl on Slate via Deadspin]
- Eight Years Later, ESPN Reports What It Knows About The Claims Against Bernie Fine [Tom Scocca on Deadspin]
- A Comprehensive Timeline Of The Child Sex Abuse Allegations Against Bernie Fine [Dom Cosentino on Deadspin]
- Checking In With Albert Pujols’s Agent, Who Threatened To Sue Us Before He Knew What We Were Going To Write [Barry Petchesky on Deadspin]
- 13 Unusual Facts About the Saddest Photo in the Great Depression [James Altucher]
- Housing and Unemployment: The More Realistic Story [John Tamny on RealClearMarkets]
- An Edge in Science Among the Foreign-Born [Motoko Rich on Economix]
- Report: 1 in 5 of US adults on behavioral meds [Associated Press]
- Shot or Party? Avoiding Chicken Pox’s Worst [Wall Street Journal]
- Reaction By Indy PR People To Their Dumb Super Bowl Shuffle Video Is Dumber Than The Video Itself [Luke O’Brien on Deadspin]
- The Bizarre Story Of Bernie Fine’s Third Accuser, Who Is Charged With Sexually Abusing A 13-Year-Old Boy [Emma Carmichael on Deadspin]
- Jerry Sandusky’s Lawyer Is Just Throwing Shit Against The Wall Now and Stuff Jerry Sandusky’s Lawyer Says Just Keeps Backfiring [Dom Cosentino on Deadspin]
- Tim Tebow Is A Pretty Good Quarterback [Jack Dickey on Deadspin]
- Every Football Player Is A Dirty Football Player [Big Daddy Drew on Deadspin]
- Castro’s Demise Won’t Erase Legacy From U.S. [Enrique Krauze on Bloomberg]
- The Math Changes on Bulbs: Modern LEDs, While Expensive, Save Companies on Labor [Katie Linebaugh on The Wall Street Journal]
- Slice of Life: a Quest to Try Pies in the Big Apple [The Wall Street Journal]
- Egypt’s Ascendant Islamists on Collision Course With Generals After Vote [Bloomberg]
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