Roundup – BETWEEN

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Line O’ the Day:

“My friend went to Japan last week for work. He ate dinner with a Japanese translator. The waiter put something down on his plate. He ate the object, which was very good. He asked the translator what it was he just ate. The translator says, ‘I can’t really explain what you just ate in English.’

“What the fuck could this dude have eaten that a professional translator couldn’t even communicate it to him? ‘Well, we start with an ostrich. Then we have a buffalo jizz on its face. Then we feed it miso paste…'” – Big Daddy Drew, Because Prime Time is Where the Motherfucking Draft Belongs. Your 2010 NFL Draft Jamboroo [Deadspin]

Best of the Best:

• Toxic Airborne Fungus from Oregon Spreading Across West Coast [io9]
• Suddenly Everyone’s Saying Mean Things About Bryce Harper [Tommy Craggs via Deadspin]
• “The Homo Quota” – Inside the World of Gay Softball [Barry Petchesky via Deadspin]
• 5 Animals that are Terrifyingly Hard to Kill [Cracked]
• Welcome To The Banana Republic: GM In Hot Water With FTC Over Misleading “Repaid Bailout” Ad When All Just TARP Shuffle [Zero Hedge]
• Feeling Warehoused in Army Trauma Care Units [New York Times]
• Questioning the Pope [New York Times]
• Eric Sprott: Weakness Begets Weakness: from Banks to Sovereigns to Banks – Must Read [Zero Hedge]
• Unlearned Lessons from the Steven Hatfill Case [Glenn Greenwald via Salon]

The Remains:

• Sword Wielding Robots and Robots with Skin [Gamma Squad]
• Four Arguments Against Immortality [io9]
• It Shatters Windows.  It Controls Fluids.  It’s the Bernoulli Effect [io9]
• Crappiest Save the Earth Movie Messages of All Time [Meredith Woerner via io9]
• And “Comedy Week” Comes to a Close with an Angry Email from Sarah Silverman [AJ Daulerio via Deadspin]
• Man Arrested for Attacking Corpse During Funeral [NC BUY]
• Caps Removes Own Tooth [Deadspin]
• Last Night’s Winner: Ex-MLB Managers Who Take Down Nutjobs on Planes [Deadspin]
• Guest Post: Hard Evidence Of Goldman’s Corrupt Intent And The Myth Of The Sophisticated Investor [Zero Hedge]
• Jeremy Grantham: This Is Nothing But The Greenspan Legacy’s Latest Bubble, America Is Now “Thorougly Expensive” [Zero Hedge]
• The Peter King Mockery of Record [Christmas Ape via KSK]
• Questions About Brandon Marshall but Not Related to Marital Abuse: the KSK Sex /Fantasy Football Mailbag [Captain Caveman via KSK]
• 12 Grisly, Unsolved Murder Cases [LIFE]
• Internet Meme Hall of Fame: Hilarious Craigslist Personal Ads [Nerve]
• Various Matters [Glenn Greenwald via Salon]

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Roundup – End of the World

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Line O the Day:

“Baseball desperately needs customized batting helmets. Why the fuck not? They already slather those things with buckets of pine tar, tobacco juice, sunflower seed husks, and used Dominican TP anyway (yaki yaki!). They look like shit. Maybe if you let players paint a golden skull on their own helmet, they wouldn’t be so quick to tar them with their own feces. And it’s not like in football, where the helmet plays crucial role in identifying an opponent. Helmet or not, you know damn well who’s playing for whom on the baseball field. The guy batting. The guy leading off from first and not wearing a fielding glove. Those guys are quite obviously NOT on the defense. I say, let those fuckers paint a big-titted chick on a Harley on their helmets if they please. And if you get a tard player like John Olerud who has to wear a hard fielding hat, I say let him paint that too. He’s special like that.” – Big Daddy Drew, Bogus Rumors About Entourage Douches that We’ll Choose to Believe Anyway [Deadspin]

Best of the Best:

• John Paul Stevens Says Babe Ruth Called His Shot [Deadspin]
• Web Luddite No More: O’Brien Hits Internet [New York Times]
• Pugnacious D (An Interview of David Simon) [NY Mag]
• Building a Shrink Ray? Consult This Grisly Physics Paper About Exploding Horses [J.B.S Haldane via io9]
• Hockey Night in Liberia: NHL Jerseys Everywhere in War-Torn Nation [National Post]
• Video Catches Cops Brutally Beating Maryland Student After Duke Game [Deadspin]
• Gang Moves 1,800 lb of Coke in Fake Dakar Rally Truck [Jalopnik]
• In a Safety Study, Sheep on Meth are Shocked with Tasers [io9]
• The Greyhound Station Gulag [Pro Libertate]
• Replace the Kraken! Seven Real Krakens for the 21st Century [Cyriaque Lamar via io9]
• Jumping Out of Plane Trumps Lesbian Hooker Dildo Shows [Big Daddy Drew via Deadspin]
• Guest Post: How Unicorn Math Made Goldman’s CDOs An Excellent Buy [Ratio via Zero Hedge]
• The One Last Ethical Bank? Bear Stearns Just Said No To The Goldman-Paulson Scheme, Did Not Pass “Ethics Standards” [Zero Hedge]
• 5 Creepiest Unsolved Crimes Nobody Can Explain [Cracked]
• The Puppet Tries to Cut His Strings [Eric Margolis via LRC]
• What Whistleblower Prosecution Says About the Obama DOJ [Glen Greenwald via Salon]
• A Fan-Friendly Solution to Fix the NBA [Bill Simmons via ESPN]
• A Humble Ryan Leaf Believes He Can Still Turn it Around [Los Angeles Times]
• You Ladies Should Always Take Your Husband’s Last Name [Big Daddy Drew via Deadspin]
• The Ron Paul Moment [The American Conservative]

The Remains:

• Today in Girls’ Sports Hijinks: the Human Stepladder Calamity [Deadspin]
• Villanvoa Pregnancy Email Hoax Results in Confusion, Death Threats [Deadspin]
• Slovenian Hockey Players Celebrate Title by Beating Up Coach [Deadspin]
• Dead Wrestler of the Week: Chris Canyon [Deadspin]
• Praying for Car Accidents is OK! [Big Daddy Drew via Deadspin]
• The Curious Case of the Ball State Ass Slapper [Deadspin]
• Shameless Couple Having Bathroom Sex Tarnishes Another Sports Stadium [Deadspin]
• Star Wars Burlesque Show Video [FilmDrunk]
• Some Steelers’ Fans Have Soured on Big Ben: “He’s a Jagoff” [Domenick Cosentino via Deadspin]
• How Did that False Amy Mickelson-Michael Jordan Rumor Start Anyway? [Deadspin I-Team]
• Hondo Invents Vital Piece of Gizmoduck’s Armor [Gamma Squad]
• Y.E. Wang or Last Night’s Chinese Food Delivery Boy?  “Venerated” Golf Writer isn’t Sure [Deadspin]
• Rabbit Expo Collapse Leads to Unchecked Humping [Deadspin]
• NY/Cleveland Media Feud Hits a New Low [Deadspin]
• USA Swimming’s Monstrous Coaches and the “Culture of Sexual Misconduct” [Deadspin]
• Phil Mickelson: Your New, Women-Friendly, Morally Pristine Sportswriter Unicorn [Tommy Craggs via Deadspin]
• Steven Seagal Owns Sex Slaves? [Warming Glow]
• Slurring Jerry Jones Badmouths Bill Parcells, Tim Tebow [Deadspin]
• Lawyer Claims He Knows of Yet Another Ben Roethlisberger Accusation [Deadspin]
• To Sit or Not to Sit: Do Players Owe Fans Anything? [Dashiell Bennett via Deadspin]
• A First Person View of a Sea Lion Versus a Huge Octopus [io9]
• Is Spanking Responsible for Global War? [io9]
• Step Aside Roubini – FX Concepts’ John Taylor Is The New Dr. Doom: “2011 Will Be Worse Than 2008” [Zero Hedge]
• If CDS Traders Are Right, France Is Next Up For A Sovereign Shakedown (As Are Spain And Portugal); Greece Long Forgotten [Zero Hedge]
• U.S. Forces Close Post in Afghan “Valley of Death” [New York Times]
• The 17 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Propaganda Posters [Cracked]
• 6 Ridiculous History Myths [Cracked]
• 5 Creepiest Serial Killers (Who Were Animals) [Cracked]
• Bradford, Big Ben, Blowjobs, and Bad Recruiting Pitches: the KSK Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag [KSK]
• German Professors Prepare Court Challenge For Greek Aid [Zero Hedge]
• David Brooks Provides Us with Yet Another Reason to Hate Duke (and David Brooks) [Deadspin]
• What Happened to “Look Forward, Not Backward”? [Glen Greenwald via Salon]
• The Obama DOJ’s Warrantless Demands for Emails [Glen Greenwald via Salon]
• “How Can I Get Better at Kissing?”: the KSK Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag [KSK]
• THIS IS A FACKIN’ CONSPIRACY, YOU FACKS! [Big Daddy Drew via KSK]
• Report: China to Overtake U.S. as World’s Biggest Asshole by 2020 [The Onion]
• BYU’s Top Rusher Withdraws, Possibly Due to Premarital Sex with Girlfriend [Deadspin]
• Ex-Florida Gator Would Like You to Know How Easy it is for Athletes to Get Laid [Deadspin]
• Where are All the Fans?  Watching Soccer, Actually [Deadspin]
• Jenny McCarthy has a Steven Seagal Casting Couch Story [FilmDrunk]
• A Finance Overhaul Fight Draws a Swarm of Lobbyists [New York Times]
• Prostitution Probe Hits France Team [AFP]
• Color Me Fucking Shocked: Dick Vitale Loves Tim Tebow [Barry Petchesky via Deadspin]

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Roundup – DAR

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Line O’ the Day:

“REX RYAN: God damn right you are. You are the fucking nightmare of this earth. You were brought here to bring everyone to their fucking KNEES, especially the ladies. Now, I want you to stop thinking about your wife, and your kids, and fucking Gatorade or whatever business bullshit that is. None of it matters. All that matters is that you fucking KILL, and that you get the satisfaction you know you want. You are going to fucking win this tournament, AND THEN WE’RE ALL GOING OUT FOR PULLED PORK AND PULLED PUSSY!” – Big Daddy Drew, Tiger Woods Gets a Little Extra Motivation [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Best of the Best:

• Getting High with Alex Chilton in Tuscaloosa, 1986-1990: An Oral History [Deadspin]
• Pope Vows to Get Church Pedophilia Down to Acceptable Levels [The Onion]
• Confirmed: Obama Authorizes Assassination of U.S. Citizen [Glen Greenwald]
• KFC’s Bacon Sandwich on Fried Chicken “Bread” Starts Killing People Nationwide on April 12 [The Consumerist]
• Quotes from 1929-1930: Buy, Buy, Buy [Zero Hedge]

The Remains:

• Kansas City: Small-Town Dreams, Small-Town Problems [Will Leitch via Deadspin]
• The NCAA is Destroying the Men’s Basketball Tournament [Dashiell Bennett via Deadspin]
• Time for a Lady to Have Her Say: GREAT MOMENTS IN DRUNKEN HOOKUP FAILURE [Deadspin]
• Abuse Hotline Set Up by Catholic Church in Germany Melts Down on First Day as 4,000 People Phone In [The Daily Mail]
• The Eight Most Absurb Arnold Schwarznegger Videos [Unreality]
• Donovan McNabb Wins the Weekend [Dashiell Bennett via Deadspin]
• Upheaval in Kyrgyzstan Could Imperil Key U.S. Base [New York Times]
• Psychologists Explain Iraqi Airstrike Video [New York Times]
• Apotheosis of Jayson Heyward [Barry Petchesky via Deadspin]
• U.S. Troops Killed Afghan Women, Then Dug Bullets Out of Their Bodies to Cover it Up [Huffington Post]
• Fed’s Found Pfizer Too Big to Nail [CNN]
• Seattle Trash Collectors Make Average of $109,553 But Want More; 1,600 Apply to Haul Trash if Teamsters Strike [Mish’s Global Economic Trend Analysis]
• Michael Burry Demolishes The Fed’s Self-Perceived Infalliblity, Discusses The Cost Of “Extend And Pretend” [Zero Hedge]
• Former Deputy Defense Minister Says Israel May Be Compelled To Attack Iran’s Nuclear Facilities By November [Zero Hedge]
• Lobbyists Enjoy Windfall Despite Pledges to Rein in Special Interests [FOX News]
• Mayor of Struggling Illinois Village Shot Dead [FOX News]
• The Greatest Shell Game Ever Continues As The Whole World Is Now Insolvent; Updated Thoughts From Chris Martenson On The Upcoming US Funding Crisis [Chris Martenson via Zero Hedge]
• FX Concepts’ John Taylor: “The Economic Reality Will Eventually Destroy Greece And Europe”; Warns Of Civil War [Zero Hedge]
• Fed Vigilante Tom Hoenig Blasts ZIRP, Warns Market “To Cease Its Reliance On Fed Risk Management” [Zero Hedge]
• Peter King Will Fail to Question Your BAC [Big Daddy Drew via KSK]
• The Steelers Screw Small Business Owners and a Real-Life Soap Opera Plot: the KSK Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag [Captain Caveman via KSK]

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